grammar of light

cheap glory

2010-03-05T23:12:00.003+08:00

Cheap glory isn't quite so cheap.
You pay, with the years in
Your life.

-- No, that's not it.
The years of being
Nobly enslaved are but
Peanut sacrifices.
(Nobility, you know)

--You pay,
with the
Life
In
Your
Years

‘I’ve never let my schooling interfere with my education’

2010-03-04T23:20:00.001+08:00

This time, I'm very glad for my very worrying indifference!

Uh, and so I leave myself with these golden words of Wisdom:

If good, be glad, for thou deserve it for having worked hard;

If bad, be glad, for thou deserve it for not having worked hard enough.

If all fails, think of Mark Twain.

Heheh

2010-03-01T00:15:00.002+08:00

"to live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else"

Simplicity please

2010-02-19T15:04:00.001+08:00

The clock's ticking steadily to a shallow revelation

Elsewhere the clock's ticking to a different end—an endless end.

But enough of forever seeking and twisting and turning in ambiguities—simplicity is a virtue!

You long for something certain, absolute—you long for salvation—but—no. The shutter snaps close once again. Not salvation, no; it's difficult not to be suspicious of something so absolute, so grand, so marvellous.

Enough, also, of deep waters and inward spirals. Of peeling everything apart in search of the finest shades of truth. Of peeling yourself apart only to grow more and more suspicious of yourself.

Simplicity is salvation!

Oh, silly, silly, us. So buried deep in ourselves and yet so ignorant of ourselves.

but we prefer warmth, anyway

2010-02-16T22:26:00.002+08:00

The overwhelming urge is to turn away from the world of living things and fatal subtleties.

It's simpler, and easier, and safer, though colder, to lean your everyday against a something which does not move, breathe, or feel.

‘Doomed to the old effort at serious living’

2010-02-15T19:04:00.003+08:00

I wish just to live easy;

and pray, secretly, that my wish shall never be fulfilled.

To live easy's the hardest thing, you see.

too colourful, this world.

2010-02-15T00:27:00.003+08:00

should always remember, to separate the yes and nos from the possiblys and the probablys and the maybes and the i-hope-it-could-bes.

and the used-to-bes from the is and the will-bes and the might-bes.

and the yes! from the well...i guess...and the no...?s from the Nos.

if should and could goes out of tune,

2010-02-15T00:25:00.001+08:00

then what would you do?

bliss

2010-02-03T12:15:00.006+08:00

So the world's filled with evil schemes.
But I believe it's not quite as cunning as you think.

So I may be wrong.
But I'd rather remain blind than become part of the world.

(My bliss is ignorance.)

where do trees go?

2010-02-02T10:50:00.005+08:00

If trees feel
then possibly
they grow tired too.

They do not have anywhere to whisper their secrets into.

you can turn off the sun

2010-02-01T17:09:00.003+08:00

and I'm still gonna shine

...perhaps one day we just might learn that the sun doesn't always shine from the same place

that rivers may change their course through time

that even stars may stumble from their place in apparent eternity

that certainty and eternity cannot be friends.

till then, though, maybe should figure out how to tread water.

Jung

2010-01-06T11:18:00.001+08:00

"The individual who wishes to have an answer to the problem of evil, as it is posed today, has need, first and foremost, of self-knowledge: that is, the utmost possible knowledge of his own wholeness. He must know relentlessly how much good he can do, and what crimes he is capable of, and must beware of regarding the one as real and the other as illusion. Both are elements within his nature, and both are bound to come to light in him, should he wish--as he ought--to live without deception or self-delusion."

"The encounter between conscious and unconscious has to ensure that the light which shines in the darkness is not only comprehended by the darkness, but comprehends it."

"Sarcasm is the means by which we hide our hurt feelings from ourselves."

2010-01-01T15:14:00.004+08:00

arggghrhhh uni apps arggghhh

i've got enough of wracking my brain trying to think why im exceptional, unique, and amazing.

Announcement to all colleges out there:

practise acceptance man! no matter how exciting we make themselves sound using however glamorous words, we students ARE BORING. Accept it!!

Accept us/me/we!

sigh (back to work)

2009-12-16T11:03:00.001+08:00

you're more of a colour than a thought, if you know what i mean

2009-11-08T18:09:00.003+08:00

it's rather worrying, how apathetic i am-kind of

i mean, im not completely unconcerned (i wish i were)

but i think im supposed to be more worried, more anxious, more..

inhuman? yeah supposed to be more inhuman-was counting on myself to become inhuman as the real thing comes round but it hasn't seemed to happen yet.

(but who says that's a bad thing?

doesn't it sound rather unsound, that being inhuman should be a good thing, a necessary thing?

or perhaps 'inhuman' is rather too vague. by 'inhuman' i mean with everything else cut off-everything useless, impractical, of no instrumental value. so that you exist as an efficient, disembodied brain. )

perhaps it would be easier if i really saw a purpose

-and i do, vaguely-just not enough to jolt me out of my idleness

-actually sometimes i'm thankful for my idleness. it is precisely laziness that enables me to just bury my head back in work and not think so much-purpose? what purpose? who cares?

-enough of this. maths beckons. time to go back to laziness!

"Chance and chance alone has a message for us"

2009-11-01T19:09:00.001+08:00

a painting speaks to us only if we will it to--under our gaze it is transformed, into something more; under our gaze it comes alive- and without it it is lifeless, it contains no meaning.

life is like a painting.

if we would give it a chance, it speaks to us--through chance.

(our job is just to pay attention)

2009-11-01T18:50:00.000+08:00

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

Mother Teresa

2009-10-05T23:37:00.003+08:00

Got to decide. Now? Today. Tomorrow. Soon! (but i don't know, i really don't.........)

And always, the show of nonchalance. Indifference is always such a trusty weapon of defence. But it takes away something, you know? It drains the life out of you.

It's kind of ironic, that we feel so noble when we torture our present selves for the sake of our future selves. Isn't it all for ourselves, anyway? isn't all, in some way, selfish? But it has become almost a moral issue. It's not just about responsibility, or duty. It's a moral obligation.

Actually, no. Some form of indifference is welcome. If i hadn't been desensitised i'd probably be languishing in a sad state now (i'm not even thinking about it, at all? ) which isn't very useful anyway, though i must say many things aren't very useful anyway--though whether the things which are most useful are those that matter the most is another matter altogether (and is probably something we don't exactly have time to think about right now, do we? hurhur)

ohdear. i sound so bitter. no, im not really, life is still uh wonderful sometimes. ha. sounds unconvincing. and my brain isn't really occupied solely by these numbers and alphabets though it's supposed to be but "supposed" is a word that should not exist remember!

what stays is the desire to live, even amidst lifelessness. a stubbornness, almost. but ultimately what matters? living, isn't it? in the end all that matters is life, people, love and all the stupid sounding soppy things in the world.

Ah, Sweet sweet success!

2009-09-21T11:47:00.002+08:00

Ah, sweet sweet success!
-has fallen at my feet
Glittering, all gleam and glint
It’s grinning at me, flashing teeth
Bright! –I’m blinded!-
Almost. The nerves tightened within
Spelling out a secret fear that
Tore my gaze away from its bright-eyed leer-
I would settle for ampler less.

Sneaky parasite

2009-09-06T16:40:00.001+08:00

Often you can't tell the bad ones from the good,
the rotten from the ripe,
the brilliant from the trite.

But the world has justice yet.
I'll get you,just wait!
You sneaky parasite called Pride!

The Tortoise

2009-09-06T12:32:00.001+08:00

The tortoise is always so snug;
tucked up sound in his comfy little shell,
dozing sweet in his cosy private dwell,
he's forever always homely home.

'Least that's what it seems.

For the tortoise despised himself.
for being always so smug,
and cooped up in his tiny shell,
and idling in his secret hell,

and he was fed up, with being
lonely alone.

So he trembled out of his beloved shell.
And fell in love with the sun's loving smile.
Till the rain and the cold shook his heart and
Shivering, he longed for hell once more.

a (not so) important question

2009-09-05T22:46:00.003+08:00

would you rather be in a comedy or a tragedy, if you had a choice?
I think I would prefer to be the laughing stock of the century, than to be participant in human tragedy.
(though this is just a random useless thought)
(and besides, most tragedies are funny from the outside anyway.)

con brio!

2009-08-19T23:24:00.001+08:00

things must end for things to begin.

let's live then!

What use is it to slumber here

2009-08-16T09:57:00.001+08:00

What use is it to slumber here

Though the heart be sad and weary?

What use is it to slumber here

Though the day rise dark and dreary?

For that mist may break when the sun is high,

And this soul forget its sorrow,

And the rosy ray of the closing day,

May promise a brighter morrow.

2009-08-11T20:05:00.002+08:00

A thought: familiarity at its best is always such a blessing...!

'At its best', because well you can be all too well acquainted with bad things too, and predictable badness is just awful.

Of course, I must admit that predictable badness should receive some credit. It serves as a nice contrast. haha

(Though you wonder if it's unfair to blame, when there's ignorance and just complete obliviousness to take into account. Then again is ignorance a valid excuse at all? maybe it is ignorance itself which is to blame?)

Another thought—perhaps not knowing what we want to do exactly is really not a bad thing—perhaps it is really a good thing, perhaps complete certainty's merely the result of incomplete, imperfect knowledge? But we need aims, visions, and all—probably the best thing, is to have a vision and work towards the vision but at the same time knowing, at the back of your head, that it's a vision that could very well change? Though it does require some element of self-delusion. Delude yourself into believing that you're certain of what you want and so what you're working for is certainly what you want. (im not making much sense though)

Yknow, I wouldn't mind if everything in our lives were left as they are but we were given a choice to rearrange them. Then you can let the good things happen at the best times, and the bad things at the—at the best times for worst things; and rearrange the good things to a time when you know enough to feel their goodness, and the bad stuff to a time when you know too little to even know it's bad.

(yknow what psle was a psychological breeze compared to A's now. Ha xP )

2009-08-05T22:56:00.001+08:00

It's like.

claustrophobia while you're in a boat out at sea

or vertigo while you're looking out of a glass elevator

-but well it's the little compensations we live for, the littlest things that keep us breathing on

i just hope life will start someday soon, aha x)

row row row your boat...(life is but a fermata)

2009-07-22T22:29:00.005+08:00

This is suffocating this is terrible i feel bored every single day, bored not in the leisurely kind of way but repressive bored, the fatigue of boredom, (and there's nothing quite so tiring as boredom...!!) I NEED to chop off a part of myself-maybe the part that thinks (not about the right things, never about the right things, maybe a more appropriate word is 'dreams') otherwise I'm to be floating around everyday feeling odd and guilty and bored while my brain runs away from me. (That's all it does, running away from me)

p.s. KY!!! I THINK WE NEED THERAPY. OR MAYBE A DRUG. TO CURE THE SICKNESS OF DREAMING.

But really, I'm thoroughly bored of montage and counterpoint and russian soldiers that belong in the medieval times i bet it was a thousand times easier making the @#$ film than it is (trying) to analyse it. All i feel like doing now- if i weren't feeling so sleepy-is maybe to run around some anonymous street and make funny noises just for the sake of relieving this awful boredom--this is the extent of this awful boredom i'm feeling!
(but since i can't i've chosen the cyberspace alternative xD )

im 18 and world-weary, what will happen when im 81? :O:O *gasps**chokes* *sobs*
hahaa i really should stop rubbishing now. now now now. nownownownow.

*stupor*
*languid stupor*

-oh. as an afterthought. if my life composed of motifs what would the main motif be. i thought about it and came to the tragic conclusion that it will be simply, a big fat fermata. Pause. Rest. Repose. Sounds rather positive. Actually it's more of hesitation and procrastination and inaction and silence and.
-It's like a 4'33 except the clock's screwed up and so forever overruns-

and i'm such a pendulum i sway everywhere and end up nowhere (what an awful simile yuck hahaa)

something.worth.leaving.behind..!

2009-07-20T19:41:00.004+08:00

whoever said excellence is the only valid goal anyway
what if all i want is just to have "touched another life"...?
(...or what if my life's ambition is to raise goats in the mountains ha.)
--Does that make me worthless, useless, worthless?
and it's kind of unfair that we're made to bear all the weight of the imperfections (of ourselves, of others, of the imperfect world that others have created, etc etc)

i think we're suffering from estrangement of the selves. (heehee this is called applying what we've learnt see. i.e. making things sound greater than they really are. uh oh we're being trained and training ourselves to be hollow (wo)men! :O ) Anyway. which is to say there's a conflict between, i dunno, our pragmatic side which says, get on with it you lazy buffooon you have to if you wanna survive! -and the other side, the side of ideals? principles? values-which protests, But this isn't what i want-what i really want is to live! (and you wonder which is the more selfish side really.)
But obviously the first side wins all the time. (that's why we're still here haha living--or non-living--these lives we're not necessarily contented with) but it's also very torturous and stifling and all. You wonder if there's anything better in the real world. (or perhaps this is the best that it can get? ah. =/ )
i think the word 'enough' (in the context of 'not enough') should be banished from the dictionary of education (or at least censored XD )

pri 3 science got it wrong the world isn't nicely categorised into living and non-living.
(it needs one more category for the people who have it all but feel like they have everything but-a life! )

but it's alright. at the very least there's more to life than this (or at least we can believe so or rather i have to believe so or i'll crumble into meaningless dust in an instant)
for now the mantra is hold on hold on hold on--!
(which is incidentally the title of my compo but, no relation. or more accurately i do not really understand my own work. but then again neither do i understand myself sometimes. grin ) i feel like rambling on and on but the surface reality beckons, as always...!

2009-07-18T18:22:00.000+08:00

from a long long time ago:

Once in a while there’s a sudden overwhelming sense of loss that engulfs you. And when the feeling passes you aren’t really sure what thoughts you were thinking exactly that triggered such an emotion in the first place—and though you know it didn’t emerge out of nowhere, it sure feels like it did.

Is it that things are—have been for a long while, in fact—never going to return to what they were? Have I been blind to this irreversibility because of my unwillingness to accept that this dissatisfying state is here to last—because of my flawed logic that things will return to normal soon or eventually, and that ‘normalcy’ is when things were the way I liked them? I feel a sudden pang of truth which is painful because it has been shrouded by my naiveté for so long.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

2009-07-11T19:58:00.007+08:00

by Milan Kundera-

The idea of eternal return is a mysterious one, and Nietzsche has often perplexed other philosophers with it: to think that everything recurs as we once experienced it, and that the recurrence itself recurs ad infinitum! What does this mad myth signify?

...The idea of eternal return implies a perspective from which things appear other than as we know them: they appear without the mitigating circumstance of their transitory nature. This mitigating circumstance prevents us from coming to a verdict. For how can we condemn something that is ephemeral, in transit?

...reveals the profound moral perversity of a world that rests essentially on the non-existence of return, for in this world everything is pardoned in advance and therefore everything is cynically permitted.

--------------------
If every second of our lives recurs an infinite number of times, we are nailed to eternity as Jesus Christ was nailed to the cross. It is a terrifying prospect. In the world of eternal return the weight of unbearable responsibility lies heavy on every move we make.

...If eternal return is the heaviest of burdens, then our lives can stand out against it in all their splendid lightness.

But is heaviness truly deplorable and lightness splendid?

The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in the love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfilment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.

Conversely, the absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into the heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant.

What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?

--------------
...We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.

...There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always a sketch. No, 'sketch' is not quite the word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture.

Einmal ist keinmal...What happens but once, says the German adage, might as well not have happened at all. If we have only one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all.

---------------
Ever since man has learned to give each part of the body a name, the body has given him less trouble. He has also learned that the soul is nothing more than the grey matter of the brain in action. The old duality of body and soul has become shrouded in scientific terminology, and we can laugh at it as merely an obsolete prejudice.

But just make someone who has fallen in love listen to his stomach rumble, and the unity of body and soul, that lyrical illusion of the age of science, instantly fades away.

---------------
But is not an event in fact more significant and noteworthy the greater the number of fortuities necessary to bring it about?

Chance and chance alone has a message for us. Everything that occurs out of necessity, everything expected, repeated day in and day out, is mute. Only chance can speak to us. we read its message much as gypsies read the images made by coffee grounds at the bottom of a cup.

...Necessity knows no magic formulae--they are all left to chance. If a love is to be unforgettable, fortuities must immediately start fluttering down to it like birds to Francis of Assisi's shouders.

--------------
human lives...are composed like music. Guided by his sense of beauty, an individual transforms a fortuitous occurrence into a motif, which then assumes a permanent place in the composition of the individual's life...Without realising it, the individual composes his life according to the laws of beauty even in times of greatest distress.

2009-07-11T00:17:00.003+08:00

Like actors stuck in Act One we are trapped in this stage of not-yet,

reenacting our faithful roles again and again;

.........Afraid to write the future, we rewrite history, over and over again

Everything but reality has moved on ahead.

.................................-I'm slipping slowly into quicksand

daily amnesia

2009-07-04T16:07:00.003+08:00

Stricken with the human condition
We search for the bitter Cure:
Daily Amnesia.

2009-07-04T16:03:00.003+08:00

Life I need your answer key
Then again must we be bothered about the rights and wrongs? (especially since, it seems there are none?)

Once in a while, we want to be assured we exist, and therefore we have-birthdays! haha.
Though i think they aren't the best way to assure us of our existence.
(In fact they can highlight your invisibleness-due to certain brilliant inventions like. uh. facebook. haha xP.)

I think for that we seek understanding. Which, really, is so rare, so really rare.

Sensible speech

2009-07-01T22:12:00.003+08:00

Speechless.

But it wouldn't make sense, to be

Speechless. And so the brain directs the lips

To form words that contain sense, but no

Feeling; like clothes:

Decent, please, Not Too Revealing-

While the heart is pumping a

Something slight less

Indifferent.

Someday soon, we must return to the

Indecent, Innocent past where we talk less

Sense and make more

Meaning.

night draws to dusk

2009-07-01T21:07:00.003+08:00

If it were possible to ensure
That injuries do not occur
Then what we face would be a different picture.

-Now the faces struggle
To conceal yet be deciphered
To behold yet be held.

-And night draws closer to dusk,-
This is a vicious reverse cycle.

Time is the echo...

2009-07-01T20:59:00.004+08:00

This is the first thing
I have understood:
Time is the echo of an axe
Within a wood.
-Philip Larkin

(wow)

How does the sword feel?

2009-06-24T09:00:00.005+08:00

So, as we know, the soldiers bleed and the civilians cry (and more, and more)
--but what about the sword? We forgot the sword.
How does the sword feel?

(newsflash:
volcanic eruption
the dead die once more
-the living? they do not know-
)

2009-06-11T18:56:00.004+08:00

...There's never enough time,
--or courage
to do, (or say), all the nothing you want...!

Except I, we, seem to live by the assumption that there's always more time out there, that time's a constant, and so we leave the greater things to the future, to a someday when we are, somewhat, braver.

(We forget that in this future the ones who must carry out these greater things are still us. And we forget that the future us are still the same, not-so-brave us.)

So a thousand things remain undone, a million thoughts unsaid;

Do they matter? Yes they do. But we pretend they don't, of course; and clothe ourselves in everyday triviality, to blend into the standard image of what everyone appears to be (and--for some-- pretend to be). Just to show that they don't matter to us--just in case we're the only ones who bother about them, who are bothered by them.

Even though we may know that most of the time we aren't the only ones, the slightest bit of fear can outweigh even the strongest intuition. --And so we all pretend unnecessarily.

--We need a revolution! (but we always do don't we, haha)

I'm Nobody! Who are you?

2009-06-08T14:09:00.001+08:00

I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you -- Nobody -- Too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise -- you know!

How dreary -- to be -- Somebody!
How public -- like a Frog --
To tell one's name -- the livelong June --
To an admiring Bog!

-Emily Dickinson

(fav word of the day: "bog"! )

If dreams are indicative of the quality of thought during the day then I must be a--uh, bog indeed, what with all these bizarre, useless dreams I've been dreaming (during the night, not the day--my daydreams are very fine to me ha XD ) half of which i can barely remember.

and i think, either i'm running away in my mind or my brain's running away from me, because i can hardly do anything without being distracted by myself. My mind's distracted by the thoughts in my mind--(how utterly absurd).

arghhh escapism! (is what i'm always doing!)

I can't decide whether idealism or cynicism has managed to predominate. Sometimes I feel maybe i'm too idealistic (unrealistic). Other times i think i sound like a critical old hag ahaha. (ironically, when speaking with those not of my age)

and at the back of this surface cheerfulness (always light, or casual, or boisterous; never anything too heavy, or profound) is always the constant...presence, or suspicion, or longing?--of something lacking, of something missing, or wanting.

But for now, "I'm Nobody! Who are you?"
XD
and i think i should go do some work, for once x)

Accolades

2009-06-03T00:09:00.002+08:00

They are like big fat balloons in a
Bright cold room, bursts of
Bubbly colour bobbling, gravity-free, in
Vacant spaces.

And the crowd gathers,
Swallowing the spaces, with their
Inflated air like a growing bubble tracing the
Glowing path to its predestined
Conclusion.

Or the ceiling may open, gently; to unravel an
Ordinary spectacle to an
Oblivious world; (they see colour but
not joy.)

And all will resume their fickle tunes.

Spellbound

2009-06-02T22:48:00.003+08:00

The clock weaved its ordinary magic,
Casting its spell of wistful anticipation while
Heralding a heavy, wary hesitation.

The sound struck on silence.
Tick.
Like a heart, like a heartbeat, a heart
Beat beating, beating, beating,
Silently.

And always, the minutes linger longer than the hour,
And this one spell's what no clock can conjure.

2009-05-26T19:30:00.004+08:00

you wish for nearness, but distance doesn't kill;
you wish for speech, but silence doesn't maim;
and presence comforts you but absence can be carried through.

Behold the blank walls we present to the world. We all love walls don't we. Or actually we don't. We hate them. But we can't help but have them. It's a twisted situation see. The walls are there which prevent us from seeing what's beyond. The walls are there to protect us from what's beyond which we're scared of because we can't see them. Now, tell me where the logic is in this.

If life was written into a book it would end the same way at every point: in nothingness. A song would end in silence, or perhaps? It would never have begun. And I think im a master of nothingness, to add on to my list of accolades (one of which would inevitably include procrastination, but we all know that)--"me, master of everything that leads to, begins from, or ultimately is nothingness!" Quite impressive really.

But more amazing than that are tables, ha yes tables! No no not the maths ones. The solid ones i mean(assuming they're usable ones that is, haha but let's not waste time on such trivial arguments shall we XD). It’s a whole phenomenon going on there, a whole wealth of information—this little shared space that can break down, or simply reveal the walls; that is at once a bridge and an insurmountable sea; and that can support you or let you down. And realisations (or at times, confusion) can be found everywhere, from what you say and what you do not say to who says it and how or if anything is said at all.
Like for instance the dinner table where continuously there was something being said but consistently it was said by one person only and answered (though usually not requiring any answer anyway) by silence. Though it feels so normal that even when you realise, with some effort at logical thought, that it shouldn’t really be so, you stay the same as ever and everything’s the same as ever and it goes on, as it always does.

The holidays are coming, which means lots of things, though it should only mean one thing--that the holidays are coming. (But 'holidays' never mean what they originally meant anymore.)

X-ray eyes!

2009-05-21T22:22:00.003+08:00

Why can't we all have x-ray eyes, the world would be so much easier! No need for speech, for writing, for words-- no need for expression at all. No need for exams either; the teachers can just use their x-ray eyes to see through to your hidden (no longer) potential. No need for essays at all! Just think, and your thoughts can be presented to the world, finely expressed. Personal statements? Blogs? (provided they're for people to read) Completely unnecessary! All that you could ever have written on paper will be perceivable by the eye just by looking at you—and more.

And there will be no need for doubt, confusion, misinterpretation, because we'll all be masters of empathy.

Nor tragedies, nor sad comedies (which are really tragedies anyway),

Nor embarrassment, nor regret (because we'll be free of the perils of speech and the impenetrability of silence);

--Nor anything at all!

(oh dear I just realised this sounds dreadfully similar to Owen :x yikes)

2009-05-15T23:51:00.001+08:00

Carol Ann Duffy is magic!

Endings

2009-05-15T23:38:00.004+08:00

Such endless possibilities beneath similar exteriors—
—And also, the endings of possibilities.

Certainty,

(it's beautiful)
We're not sure it's there,
But we believe, we're certain it's so. (and it's beautiful)

...when the thoughts end at thoughts is where the fear begins.

2009-04-21T23:00:00.001+08:00

And everything's very logical, when you don't think about it.

everything and thus nothing

2009-04-21T22:55:00.002+08:00

Confusion is first and foremost!

Accompanied by flickers of busy-ness which precede illusory leisureliness. (to SH yes I wish we were as free as last year yaiee! x))

Things can't be important all at once—when they are, everything loses importance. It's the same with urgency.—Time is quite a relative concept.

It is precisely the accumulation of weight from the various things going on that's keeping me afloat right now—it's like sitting on a bed of nails and feeling no pain. The pressures add up to something less than they are separately. (or maybe it's just the excess of sugar and sleep deprivation that's sustaining me haha).

Everything's happening at once, and not just in the concrete sense. (Where's life's set of instructions when you need 'em?)

2009-02-28T00:37:00.003+08:00

no abyss after the mountain peak please! i feel it imminent after such grand exhilaration:P

but i think, no worries, we got a whole new mountain waiting in the wings! (grumbles gulps groans) and now i have got no psychological excuse to ignore it. annoying old mountain. well at least one mountain's over.:)

(sorray im in the mood for grand and majestic terms right now!)

alright i hereby observe that high levels of happiness aren't good for deep, intelligent reflection. it's like, well when you're eating a chocolate all you can think of is. uh. okay actually you aren't thinking anything at all when you're eating a chocolate. It's just your stomach going yay and your brain going chocolatechocolatechocolate-.

--(you see this is proof of the inability to reflect when you're on a high energy/happiness level)

OR maybe it's just the fact that im sposed to be sleeping now. goodbye!

Taking a breather

2009-02-22T12:49:00.001+08:00

I need to breeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa------------------------the.

If only breathing was that simple.

Oh, and if only changes weren't so irreversible. And the balance of the world so unpredictable. If only humans weren't so predictable, and more understandable. If only we were less breakable, and not so adaptable. We change so fast and feel so little; or we feel too much and change too little.

"know the way and still so lost"

2008-12-21T14:31:00.006+08:00

Goodness. This draft's from a dozen weeks ago. ahaha alright not a dozen weeks ago. But long ago enough.
--

Great books make you look at the world in a different way; they create a world of their own. Like this one with the girl whose world is defined by colour. Synaesthesia is superly fascinating. Wouldn't it be crazily wonderful if you could, say, hear a tune when reading words or when looking at an artwork? Wowee. And how bout this:

Describing the artist’s “Composition VIII, 1923,” Ward reported, one synaesthete said: “The jumbled mass of lines gave various tones, which changed as my eyes travelled round the picture. When looking at the large multi coloured powerful circle at upper left, I get a pure tone which can be too much, so to relieve my mind of this I travel back to the cacophony of jumbled lines and shapes. This paint ing there fore is a good balance of contrasting noise—pure tones and cacophony—which was a delight to see.”

Another described it as follows: “There is a huge splurge of sound left-hand top—booming and vulgar! Be low it is a mousy little meee sound which then translates in to ‘oh’s and ‘ah’s and pops at the various circles. The lines are sharp and are moving to the right with the sound of steel—like blades scraping against one another. The triangle and boomerang shape are surprised and pop up laughing with a ‘whooo’.”

This is why I'd love to get into the brain of Mozart and see(hear) the world through his eyes (ears) :D. Genius artists/musicians probably experience very different worlds from us. Thing is, synaesthesia's supposed to be a dysfunction of the nerves. Hmmm. Maybe the artistic mind is but the product of malfunctioning nerves in the brain after all. Ahh. Dear me. xD

----
And so a knot's been disentangled--except that it has, I can't help feeling, created more knots in its place. The whole thing is just a big gigantic mess of dumb knots which i've successfully managed to screw up through and through. And i thought, anything's better than nothing. Now i think, i thought wrong. Sometimes nothing's the best. Or actually. Maybe not. Or yes. Or no.

..

2008-12-20T00:31:00.002+08:00

It's frightening when reality exists only in a lone person's memory because then you don't know if it's reality anymore;
especially when the reality that exists in the mind isn't even clear
The only evidence of anything having ever occurred, begun, been--is a bunch of words on some pieces of paper that aren't meant to be seen anyway.
It's worse when they can't be articulated. Not in a way that makes sense.
I think maybe i'll just abandon blogging after all. So many things can't be said here.

Recorded something that seems almost a coming together of many loose ends--the rain and keyboard idea discarded a while ago, natural disasters (ha, ha.this time it's purely metaphorical though) and of course the ever-recurrent theme song of my life which is so, so familiar. So familiar that i think i need to distort it. I think i've developed a kind of unhealthy instinctive response to the mere sound of it. It's something that practically begs to be expressed but at the same time is probably going to be difficult because of that very same reason. It seriously lacks the detachment necessary for any proper expression to take place.

Thinking about this has a calming effect (which is highly ironic)

2008-12-19T00:00:00.004+08:00

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you
want.

The idle mind is a hungry mind.
And a bizarre mind, and an overly imaginative mind.
Like the bizarre dreams and the unstemmable flow of thoughts before that (sort of like a prelude, yknow)
It isn't hard, then, to figure out why we all like to numb ourselves--plume ourselves up--with activity. Makes us feel more useful, more..fulfilled? Something like that.
If there wasn't the waiting list of must-dos hovering behind your back this would be great.
But there is, so it isn't that great.
Arghhhh
I think I've said it before, that absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Yes it does not. I think all it does is generate doubt and suspicion, uncertainty, insecurity. Or maybe the last impression is what matters, and if so then parting on good terms would be something to be grateful for (this should be reassuring to the millions of griefstricken lovers who have been torn apartxP)
But nono i don't think this because of absence but because of the good things that presence has brought. It has always been like that. The more time spent the better. -I don't want this to end=/

Sigh feels like an endless pressure is forever on your back and the worst thing is that it cannot be fought and there's nothing to be sad or angry or complain about, it's invisible and undefinable. Probably that's what's so bothersome. Aha. "Passivity". as ky said. HAHA. hey come to think of it, maybe it's quite right after all heeheXD Yes, this passive state is erosive man. ugh. imuststartdoingworkingmustdosomethinganythingmustdoessaysandreadnotesanddomathsandimustgosleepnowtoosomehowimalwaysblogginglateatnight

2008-12-02T01:23:00.005+08:00

Day 2

University. An hour of interaction is really a long and a very short time. At least it was interaction though. It'd probably get much more out of such 1 hours sessions than, say, a month spent in school with all our impersonal lessons and lectures. We hang around one another in class (or at CCA too) all day and every day and don't talk half as much as we do here in such sessions, when you have nothing else to do but talk to each other.

It felt slightly naïve, exchanging those emails, as if it would—could-- be sustained. But we did anyway, almost like an obligation or perhaps clinging on to an idealistic hope that, yknow, a friendly 1 hour chat in which you talked eagerly, interestedly, was really more than just a 1 hour one-off chat where you racked your brains for things to talk about just because that was the only thing to do. Or in a way, it's a way of affirming that the 1 hour interaction was even real at all. Which it doesn't feel like, actually. 15 minutes after you leave the place you forget half the things that happened, half the things that were said. A day later it doesn't even cross your mind anymore. We adjust quickly, and so we forget just as quickly.

Talking to the Vietnamese students about school here in Singapore makes it sound exotic, makes it sound more—abstract?--than it is, because of the language barrier—that's where language really is important to culture. Describing PE becomes something like "we do sports twice a week", and CCA becomes "and after school we can do other activities that we like…we can choose what we want to do…". I'd think their school life's also quite different from what we'd imagine from what they tell us, because it's so hard to capture what something is like in a couple of sentences—especially when those sentences are made up of simplified words.

And then we headed to the Cu Chi tunnels! We went to a temple first, but it didn't make much of an impression. So I remember thinking that wow Vietnam really seems to be defined by the war: the war is its culture, the war is its history, its history and culture are the war. (I don't particularly have that impression now, probably because I've seen more since--though I still see the war as a huge part of Vietnam's identity.) And ah, human cruelty. And of course, unabashed propaganda in that introductory video haha. It's so absurdly barefaced that you're halfway between being horrified and being on the verge of laughter. But back to human cruelty. It was everywhere and in-your-face. And there was no shame or guilt, just pride. Seriously any notion of there being a good and a bad side in war is completely and definitely false and utterly constructed. I mean, if you have in mind for a moment that say Vietnam was the "good" side during the war then that thought dissipates on seeing those horrible traps. It's horrible imagining a person falling into one of those—arg. It's almost sad, the way they're so proud of it. "SELF MADE WEAPONS GALLERY". Oh, man.

Then it was dinner on the floating seafood restaurant! Come to think of it I don't really remember how good the food was hahaa, I don't remember what the food was exactly either xP I remember more of us going upstairs to see the view from the front and feeling the really nice wind and blocking the view of the passengers hehe. And the loud music on our deck and the contrasting classical strings music on the upper deck which we grumbled about too. And there was that fire dancer who was er unnecessarily, shall we say, erotic. XD And there was that soup that took forever to boil, and mike urging us to finish it up, and us spending more time eating than actually enjoying the sea—and feeling regretful about that. It was quite a nice dinner, the whole thing.

Day 3

We went to the shoe factory. Looking at the production process makes you see the products slightly differently, somehow. Like the eggshell plates which we would see also. You start to judge them in a different way, judge them less perhaps.

And then our first taste of Pho which did suit our Asian tastebuds, haha I realised how attuned we are to Asian cuisine which we are used to. If I had it in Singapore I probably wouldn't think anything more of it other than as a bowl of beef noodles. Which is probably what the Vietnamese think of it. Well foreigners probably regard chicken rice as exotic and fascinating. We can see it that way too if we choose to actually.

And then we went to the airport to leave for da nang. But the more exciting part was the night which was probably one of the most exciting nights of the trip hahaha the cool hotel! With the joined rooms and that dreamy huge space that was really quite surreal, which reminded me of the biennale snowscape which I'd never seen apart from in photos. Such a real waste that a whole humanz night didn't materialise with such a wonderfully rare opportunity. Instead it turned into a mega photo shoot session, which was simply crazy and fun in a crazy way. The entire night was crazy, the kind you'll look back on years later and shake your head but with a grin on your face. It wasn't all perfect but it seems the not so good parts of that night have faded since—right now I've almost forgotten.

HEHE some images that I remember are really funny—like hongjie doing body wave HAHA and us dancing away madly when we first discovered the joined balcony hahahaa, that sense of wonder (and the looks on everyone's faces when they see the huge space for the first time) is something you won't forget:P And there's something sweet about the whole thing, about the whole atmosphere. 'Cause when you think about it that space isn't exactly something that's visually impressive—aside from being huge, it's quite an ugly place, bare and with the unfinished, dusty look of a half-constructed place. But we saw it through different eyes, we saw an entire fantastical fantasy world of our own. It's almost innocent, almost childish but it's really reassuring, at least we haven't lost our sense of wonder (and we haven't grown that old after all xP).

Anyway after that we had a nice song session. And then we were sitting around the bed for a while and we were actually on the verge of having proper conversation, though it ended prematurely I forgot why, I think it was getting too late.

Day 4

After breakfast we went across the road to that very pretty view of the river with those very pretty photographs. It's such a nice feeling, just standing there looking out into the water which doesn't change but which doesn't get boring either. And there was that comfortable feeling of familiarity and companionship too. We didn't manage to stay for long though.

Then the high school. By this time we had developed a mild phobia of interaction sessions (they do tire you out indeed. It was mainly the 1 hour session at the university that left us with interaction fatigue/phobia). The students were so excited to see us and they had such looks of admiration on their faces that I felt almost guilty (I can't think of any reason why we should be admired in such a way). And they weren't reluctant to declare their admiration either, telling sebby and hongjie that they're really handsome:P And the Vietnamese seem to like to take photos of you "to remember you" which happened 3 times during the trip, with our guide Mike who said I look like his cousin and with some of the high school students and after that with an old artist.

There was a girl who Grace Zhang and I were talking to, with that bit of conversation that I still remember. She had such a concrete plan, like some detailed map, of her life laid out in front of her. Makes you think about your own uncertainty, your own lack of any plan, the blurry path in front of you—makes you kind of scared that you don't know where you're going, that you should know where you're going, and at the same time her certainty is somewhat scary. Are you really living if you're spending your life living out your structured, step-by-step formulaic plan, especially if it's a plan that looks ideal probably only because society makes it out to be so?

And then we took the long bus ride to Hoi An! Gosh such a beautiful place. I don't know how beautiful it is to the villagers living there (a hard life probably). But walking by the river's quite breathtaking, like you've been transported to a world that exists more in paintings and movies, with those boats and bridges that look so perfectly and romantically countryside. Hoi An did feel very romantic. Ohyes we went into some art galleries, it gives you a feeling of …solidarity, of having something shared in common. Art is really very universal. The artists gave off a different vibe—less eager to sell off their stuff, with that air of…pride, dignity. This is where you feel no will to bargain at all; bargaining would simply ruin the mood, the mutual respect between artist and viewer.

We sat on the small boats and sailed for a short while (the cruises in Vietnam didn't last for very long, with the exception of the last one). Then it was cycling. Oh man what an experience. My bike was uncomfortable and all but it was still exhilarating riding through fields and villages and more fields. And the villagers were saying hello, some of the children looked so fascinated by the sight of outsiders, and they were calling out greetings with that shy air about them.

There were the things that went great and things that went not so great. Like the bridge which gave me such difficulty 'cause I was meandering my way through and scaring myself but luckily there were those who were selflessly trying to help and waiting for the slow me haha. And there were the flies which tickled your face. And there was that part where we were speeding along with some of us overtaking others when there wasn't much space to do so and not much point either, and when the people behind were so far back and we were shouting for the front people to slow down. And the part when we got lost, which as we remember it was probably the biggest part of that day. It was dark and the place was so rural. I couldn't tell if I was scared actually, it was hard to tell if the pumping of adrenaline and your heart was from the thrill of cycling or from fear. And I think it makes a whole lot of difference when you're in a group. Ky has a different story altogether.

When we finally made it back it took a while before the adrenaline faded. But, as always, we forgot (not in the sense of forgetting it happened, but in the sense that it feels like it happened very long ago, and you look at it like you're looking at an exhibit through a glass window) quickly.

Day 5

The hotel at Hoi An had a view of the fields from the balcony, and it looked so pastoral and serene at dawn. The balcony was nice at night too; while ky showered me and cam stood there talking, and as always it's so nice just to stand there and not do anything but look even when there's nothing to look at. We were talking about yeah theatre and music, which sounds so grandly romantic doesn't it, even though we were really talking about our school subjects:P

And then, Oh My Son Holy See hahaa whose name's probably more memorable than the place itself. There was the music performance with that elderly man playing the instrument that resembled the suona and who did circular breathing with that impossibly long note. And dance performance too, which reminds you of those ancient dances where the dancers perform, almost seductively, in front of the emperor. Oh we had that very cool jeep ride hehe. Then we went to yet another war museum which was diluted by our museum fatigue.

Long long bus ride to Hue, with that stop on the mountain where a few of us were practically preyed upon by the people selling their wares. One of whom was Sung, my attacker haha. It was just too much to bear, the way she said "Help me…Don't forget me—Sung—Remember me…" Well. They certainly are very adept at emotional blackmail aren't they. Haha. Ohwell hope the money helped. Hope they needed as much help as it sounded. Or even if they didn't, hope it helped. Anyway the view of the mountains were really really nice. On the bus we were trying hard to capture them on camera, to limited success (maybe panorama would help, or not). And I attempted to draw Titus again, with the hat, but the road was just too bumpy so I gave up (what's new, my previous attempt is still incomplete haha).

Dinner was filled with seafood/prawn phobia. Not that I was particularly hit by that phobia, I think I really have insensitive tastebuds :D

Day 6

The imperial palaces at Forbidden City were really beautiful. Once more there was that feeling of having walked into a movie. And up to that point having seen all the things we saw the past few days the prevalent thought in my mind was how underrated Vietnam really is. It has so much more than we would expect, so much more than the dirty, backward undeveloped streets that you may imagine upon hearing the name.

We had yet another boat ride, a longer one this time haha. And the Thien Mu Pagoda which provoked quite a bit of discussion on religion. We had the barest glimpse of the life of monks/nuns when we looked into the room which was supposed to be where they slept. What were their beds looked more like rows of big wooden tables (and we were commenting on how the beds in the third hotel felt like the floor HAHA). Hmm.

Maybe it's upbringing, but we all had such different reactions to the inside of the pagoda, at the worshipping area with the Buddha statues. It looked and felt so serene to me. Ky on the other hand was creeped out. Titus wasn't too comfortable with it either (I forgot what exactly he said about it). I'd always thought it was a feeling that everyone felt, the feeling of peace, tranquillity. Guess not. I kind of feel the same way when I step into a church or into Tian Guo though. Maybe it's because I don't have a religion. –My feelings about religion hasn't changed much, I still don't envision myself believing in any particular religion.

Then we went to Tu Duc Mausoleum (I had to look up the name, being utterly horrible with names esp of places), which I really liked despite it being, well, a mausoleum. The interior reminded me so much of the opera house (Palais Garnier) back in Paris. Of course it wasn't as impressive, but it was still very captivating the way so many different influences can be seen in the entire architecture—so oriental on the outside, and so French in the overall look and yet still oriental in detail on the inside. And the view of the mountains down below into the distance helped too. And the charred look of the building on the outside was pretty intriguing. Ohyes the two rows of statues er guarding the entrance are quite creepy indeed. xP

And next, Vietnamese folk songs! On a boat too. That was nice. I think it might have been better though if the boat actually moved during the performance. But the overall feel was so countryside, the music was so suited to the view and the atmosphere of sailing gently down the riverside. The teacups are so cutexP Recorded a lot of the performance, I was (and am) hoping that it can serve as inspiration perhaps. But so far nothing has came out of it, when I listened to the recordings it transported me to the river/countryside more than it provoked any new ideas. I think it's too exotic, to far removed from our own lives, to actually awaken any ideas. There's too little of myself in it. I'll still listen more to it anyway though. Maybe something will materialise with enough indoctrination XD

After the performance we released those cute boats into the river. The whole thing was really like it was taken out of those ancient Chinese TV shows. I liked it though. So cheesy but still there's that whole innocence and romantic charm about it, hehe. We should do that in Singapore too, at the beach at Pasir Ris Park or something:D Uh I hope it's not considered pollution though.xD

Day 7

So we flew into Hanoi, where the temperatures were nicely cool. Quite sad that we had to keep changing guides, just as we were growing fond of each one. We had lunch after we landed I think, at that place where we took photos on the slope.

And then we went to yet another mausoleum ahaha, this time it's Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum. We came across this group of young architect students making sketches, which was quite a warm sight haha. Not much thoughts on that place, we couldn't go in anyway.

Water puppet show in the evening/night! That was nice. The music was nice, though a little too…influenced, too catered to the Western ear I think. It'd have been nicer with a more…raw, authentic sound. I think the final song where they bowed was the best, probably cause of the voice:P Unfortunately I fell asleep for some of the performance ulps.

And that was the night where we went out to walk down the streets, originally as an entire group. I remember us insanely imitating boyband swagger ahahaa now that was fun xD And woah crossing the roads were really…something. Eventually we dwindled into the 4 of us, when we left the dark gangster corner-like café and wandered along just by ourselves (since the rest disappeared into thin air). It was probably better that way though. We walked quite aimlessly on and stumbled into, guess what, Pho 24 hehe, where we decided to plant ourselves and have coffee:D haha. It was a nice and cosy coffee (I can't seem to recapture the same taste in the coffee I brought back, maybe it's cause it's 3-in-one coffee=/). After that we walked back, talking as we went along about various things we would hardly (never) talk about usually. It was nice, the feeling of being able to say so much, without the usual barriers. It's the company that matters I guess. :) on our way back we dropped by the elusive café again but decided we'd prefer not to stay there and so went back to the hotel.

Day 8

We travelled to Ha Long Bay! Dropped by the place with expensive stuff and (hehe) free peanut cakes (if that's what they're called) which we hesitated before taking, one's sense of suspicion is always heightened when overseas it seems xP We speculated over the kind of boats that we would be cruising on and the kind of rooms that we'd be staying in while waiting for our boats haha. When we finally got there it was quite fine, our room was extremely tiny (as expected during our speculation) but had an extremely pretty view of the sea. Whoosh I totally wouldn't mind a view like that to wake up to:D

But of course the best part of the boat was the deck, where again you can simply stand there forever and just feel the wind and stare into the sea and do nothing. With the guitar there and, later, the di zi too, it was quite romantic, almost nostalgic. We lounged around for a while just like that, and then we made a stop at a cave. (or a bunch of caves. Whichever.) It was quite interesting, though it got monotonous after a while, since I'm not particularly interested in how caves form or why or all that anyway.

Hmm so after that the rest went kayaking, and a bunch of us stayed behind, lounging around the deck again hahaa. That was when the sky was extremely beautiful and extremely photogenic. Hehe. That view was the best I tell you. And that was when I took those pictures of the birds against the mountains and the mast which I really like too:) haha but enough gushing about that. Hmm we were playing guitar again and singing songs like shan hu hai and attempting the harmony for that song to a certain degree of success hahaa, well you can't blame us for trying, the song was just quite appropriate. (more appropriate than Titanic which I'd suggested XD) And really, guitar+singing+sunset+boat+wind is just impossible to be anything but, well, nice.

After that we had a long and great song session on the deck in the dark with the wind blowing and some of us freezing away. Hahaha it was seriously freezing cold. But, cheesy as it sounds, the atmosphere really would warm you up somewhat, alright probably not really physically, but it would make you feel better nevertheless.

Finally we had dinner, after which there was that slightly sad karaoke session with less than 10 people half of whom weren't singing, haha the atmosphere just wasn't there. Oh but before that our guide Hanh (I don't know how to spell it) played the flute for us. After that we sat around and talked a little, and our conversation drifted to ahems a certain thing which we wanted to do but which we didn't do in the end, and we were talking about it quite seriously which was quite amusing at the same time. Haha.

So anyway, after that we were planning for a class thing on the deck which didn't quite work out in the end ahaha. But on the deck I found Shinyi and Jotham and Sebby, and later Hongjie and Sambor and Brian. And we began playing truth or truth, with questions of the usual theme of course. After a while we started talking about dreams though, which was quite interesting.

Day 9

We missed the sunrise!!! We are the best I tell you hahaa first I set my alarm 1 hour early (AGAIN), next I switched it off after waking up at 4am (which was actually 3 am but I didn't know at that time), and lastly the next thing I woke up it was 7am and the sun was shining brightly haha the moment I woke up and saw the sun I went, UGH. xP

And then we left Ha Long Bay, and went shopping where we bought a delicious stash of dvds (with some classical ones). Okay let's skip the part about visiting the Singapore embassy because the impression got from what they said is kind of similar to that from the MFA talk during scholarship day. In other words, it was a confirmation of my lack of inclination towards working there in future. No I don't want to spend my life working, and working in such a way where it seems like you're in power but you're not at all so (one taste of such an experience was enough to make me averse to such positions); no I don't want to be at the whims of my worklife. I do want a life, in the fullest sense of the word.

Okay it seems I didn't skip the part anyway hahaa. And there was the other most memorable night! We went out to get coffee in what was an accidental 1B outing. Well we got what we wanted, a 1B night, though it didn't quite turn out what we envisioned; we had that somewhat disappointing coffee where I realised not all happens as you'd imagine, that some things are just not to be. After that was that very nice walk with ky and titus, and that even nicer stop at the bus stop where we sat there and talked for so long (was it 1 hour?) about. About…lots of things, actually. About people, mostly, I think. Somehow I think the way we view others is always so defined by how we're like ourselves. Though the line between innocence (or naiveté) and goodness is so fine. So then we went back to the hotel and sat at the lobby and talked for another one hour haha about love and life xP

Day 10

We went to the airport and flew off. I think the anticipation of the end was possibly more sharply felt than the end. On the ride to the airport we (with Daveen) listened to songs, which really changes your mood.

So that was the 10 days, the 10 long days and the 10 short days that passed so quickly but with so much going on.

Just thoughts

2008-11-26T14:24:00.004+08:00

-listening to those old stories from a past that is long ago but not too distant makes me think, I don't know about what, but just think, and wonder

-about the present, about how the imperfect past was once a future gone wrong, about how it still led to the present anyway despite the disappointments and not-supposed-to-bes

-and about the perfect future that we keep holding on to as though it's the only thing we can allow to happen, as though the future must always go our way or else our life's gone wrong

-when thoughts get translated into words (said or written) they inevitably get distorted—blown up, a lot of the time, or trivialised also maybe. Like on the web, on facebook (haha). Ohya and on blogs too (recalls an incident).

-but actually I think that's why we feel so much better when we talk about something we feel, or even just give our feelings a name. It distorts it, but it can be a good thing. Blowing it up such that your preoccupation with it feels justified. Or making it seem smaller so that it feels more manageable, less scary (like how naming a fear as "fear" makes it seem much less fearful).

I was supposed to just write point form but I couldn't really summarise such kind of thoughts.

What else was there. That's all. No I haven't written all about the first point actually I'll write more later, after I finish the irritating Indian music. I know I'm supposed (you see, that word again! Silent vow: to use that word less and less often not just out loud but in the mind) to like music but well I don't like this cause this is homework and overdue homework and homework which I have to go all the way to school just to submit (yargghhh) so well tell me who on earth loves homework! (unless it doesn't feel like homework which is not so for this cause it's overdue plus I have to go all the way to school just to submit it @$#%)

Heeheh and I must remember to finish that incomplete post I'll do better this time unlike Birmingham-paris which has incomplete entries in both blog and diary sigh

Vietnam!

2008-11-26T01:59:00.004+08:00

Well it's time to overcome that overwhelming laziness to go through my mental recollections and dig up the stored memories and finally write about the trip. I think I'm too used to writing about non-events. And I've realised also that I've hardly had time to reflect on the events in the weeks before because they went by in such a blur—every week was occupied with at least one thing. (It was like RGS, as sad as it sounds. It was like RG because of the breathlessness, the feeling of one thing after another, the feeling of being hardly able to take a breath before you have to take another plunge.) But on to that later. I must learn not to ramble so much on my blog/diary man.

Day 1

You know looking back on the first day now that the trip's over makes you realise how much we've gone through, how much closer we've grown. I mean you can't say everyone's now best friends with everyone else on the trip but definitely, the atmosphere towards the end is very different from the detachment and distance which I felt at the beginning (maybe it was just me not knowing the other classes, and maybe it was because the 1b girls were all—yes all!—later than me ha.) So there we were at the airport with the very discernable class division just after check-in haha. Which is good actually, on hindsight! Because if there wasn't a division, if we'd always been cosy and friendly with everyone from the start without needing any time, would that not be artificial, impossible to be real? And it'd feel less wonderful now if these things were all rosy without needing any time.

And it's no wonder that it has been said that technology has made an impact on (to put it simply, it has stunted) human interaction. You can see a brilliant display of that on the plane. We sit there and the moment takeoff's over you see the headphones go up and over the ears and everyone's in their own world. It's easier, I guess, than talking. And when you're on a plane and tired and sleepy you want the easy way out.

. TO BE CONTINUED

Indian music awaits

And so does sleep

And talk about a furore over nothing, it's quite amusing actually. The media's probably similar to this in terms of the scrutiny that you feel you are under for no specific interest on the part of others but more of uh, everything just happens to be blown up 3 thousand times hahaha. Now im not gna touch anything man! I feel like a clumsy bull in a china shop hahaha

2008-11-07T23:56:00.008+08:00

lots and lots and lots of thoughts running through my mind

artphotographythoughtsfeelingsinsanityintrospectionappreciation

but it's hard to write them all down haha.

and the thoughts i wanted to write down just now have now been pushed backwards cause there are now new thoughts at the top of my mind

i think there's only so much bounciness or liveliness or loudness there can be consistently before it folds in on itself and you fold in into yourself and turn thoughtful and reflective and nostalgic.

hmm maybe we would learn a lot more if we just didn't keep thinking of the word "supposed"

even the poor kids are already starting to think in that way.

i've been put in the mood of appreciation so yknow, to the dearest friends in my life, i always grin when i see ur messages. even if i don't reply immediately HAHA.xP

and really, will we ever get to know a person, fully and completely?

it's hard

or. will we ever get to know ourselves, fully and completely. ah that's a frightening thought,

that we may not know ourselves. or that others know us better than we do. which is wholly possible.

it's a little strange but at the same time comfortable, to have your feelings like this, suspended and free.

im so used to taking in that sometimes i forget to give out too. it's not that i don't want to though. it's just. when you're so used to taking in you just forget that what you give out is in fact being valued.

you realise there is very little being said actually.

or it can be a lot.

i need to go sleep.

maybe hope is in giving up

2008-10-29T21:23:00.003+08:00

Must the colours always change so fast

It's all in the mind it's really all in the mind it's appalling how much can happen in the mind

What happened did anything happen? I'm supposed to know (as always) but I don't, but I do and the answer's of course something happened,
in the mind.

It's exasperating tiring and frustrating, not just for me

Someone should write a play about this ha. It's like, a poison "begot on itself" (wait isit "on"?) like jealousy though it's not jealousy haha though interestingly, as I write this I realise it isn't entirely a separate thing, in fact it's disturbingly close to jealousy, I can't particularly find a name for it. Insecurity would describe it loosely I suppose. Though perhaps that arises out of the condition. (Which is more excusable, you decide.)

Whoosh. It's nice being able to write out the thoughts as they flow right after.

=/

2008-10-29T18:49:00.002+08:00

Now now, must work--or survival--bring out the worst in people? Alright or maybe not the "worst". But certainly the uglier. Well all we have to do is to look again at the triviality of these things in the larger context of life in the larger context of humanity in the larger context of the earth the galaxy the universe, and -poof- fussing/getting worked up over such little things will look adequately foolish.

Platonic friendships between the sexes
We were talking about it and it seems there's a universal cynicism about their existence. Why can't we just believe in them, or at least give it the benefit of the doubt. I'm probably guilty of it, haha, I know. And I've realised--this year especially, we've realised many things this year haven't we--that it is a very very difficult thing, and i've even all but lost any belief in it with the simple theory that uh it's impossible because of a very strange thing called the human nature(applied to one half of the human species that is.) But it has to be possible, at least I'd like to believe so--or is it? It's meaningless, for things to become complicated and messed up and awkward because of doubt based solely on generalisations, and that's the reason for this almost resolute belief that I'm trying to stick to.

Though at times I do wonder if it's the right/best thing to do. I'm worried not about now, but the future (because now's very pretty safe as far as i can see. ha.) but i can't see any other way that makes sense so. Let's not let the notion of platonic friendships die out yet.

Aaaaand I neeeeed inspiratiooonn I can't think of anything that really matches, in tone, in spirit, in mood maybe it's too early. I need another year xP

2008-10-22T22:51:00.003+08:00

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

As can be seen, photos are up! (and i realise this is about the first time i'm putting up pictures on my blog heheheXP) Hm well we really need to put ourselves in people's shoes to understand what they feel indeed. Therefore here's a vow to allow people approaching me to at the very least complete their sentences before I raise a dismissive hand. haha. Knowing how it feels like makes you feel guilty for any such feelings you may have caused in the past. Oops.

But nevertheless yay at least i feel we have made a difference! $19, $19! Okay it doesn't seem all that much. But it's something, at least. The problem I think with all these efforts (the problem that causes so little help to be going to them) is the absence of any concrete evidence of any difference being made, the absence of reassurance. It depends on blind faith then.

Sigh we just love being busy don’t we. Or rather, we’re afraid of not being busy. The feeling of having nothing to complete, nowhere to be, is not a liberating one but an empty one. We practically seek validation in the level of busy-ness we’re in. Tsk. What an unhealthy culture.

I want last week’s timetable back!

Ohdear. Adhering to the above quote, I don’t have much of a life!:O (am i surprised...)

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it."

2008-10-20T22:52:00.002+08:00

2008-10-18T17:21:00.004+08:00

So much for breathing haha, hardly had a single proper night's rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. It seems ironic, that I should have such doubts about whether what we are doing will really help. But I think I've somewhat reached a conclusion: we will do it the best way we can, so unless we know of better ways, we'll just do this, because even if we don't know if anything will come out of it, we know that there is a possibility that something will.

Then again there are costs incurred too, and we don't know if the benefits definitely outweigh them. That's where my biggest doubt lies i guess. Like for the lanterns, it's an effective way of grabbing attention and thus spreading awareness i guess, but is that worth the electricity being used? (this isn't a rhetorical question)

It can be quite scary sometimes, when you find out that what people really think is so different from what you expect they would think. And there I was, there we were, happily thinking that our class was entirely harmonious and free of any resentment or dissatisfaction, assuming that what we feel is felt by everyone else. erps. I mean I still think we're harmonious and quite happy; their words and feelings of unhappiness doesn't drastically change my opinion. But it does make me realise how utterly wrong we can be imagining the feelings of others. (Though come to think of it I suppose there have been visible signs of discontentment if you look out for them.) And how we often project our own thoughts and feelings on others and assume (wrongly) the same of them.

This makes me think of Othello hahaa, of how women and men project their own attitudes on the other gender. We probably do that pretty often. I know I do x) It's not just about men and women, of course, it's about anyone with different personalities even. Behind the same actions lies so many different possible motivations and intentions.

Returning to our class. Ohman i didn't know the divide was fuelled by such genuine feelings of dislike=/ I mean i definitely don't dislike any of them, and even when i talk about how (insert adjectives) guys are i don't mean it in a bad way, i don't think any of us mean it in a bad way. It's the differences, I guess, but must differences always provoke dislike? Come on, it shouldn't, differences don't mean a thing more than, well, the state of being different. So even if a person doesn't fit into our ideal of a human being (exaggeration here) well then so what, must we dislike them? (Nope)

Oh well. It does make me kind of worried, for more buried resentment simmering under the surface, but uh i don't think we should dig it up should we? I think in this case the best would be to ignore i guess, or we'll risk blowing up the matter when it's actually not that serious.

Hmm writing about stuff really helps you think clearer=D

Hmm I realise, somehow I mostly only write about things which disturb, worry or provoke (or bore) my mind. My life seems really sad and boring and worrying and bland portrayed in this blogx). ahaha I really should write about things I'm happy and contented with. Which are quite many if I actually make a list. Too many. hahaaa so, a Declaration of contentment for the million other things in my life that aren't here in this blog and which I am really contented about xP

2008-10-03T00:38:00.002+08:00

let's...enjoy this piece of what seems like free time while we have it..

(tick, tock)

even if meanwhile the clock ticks away....to stuff like OP
(diao:P)

-breathes-

we are all turned dullards

2008-09-27T16:40:00.003+08:00

We are all turned DULLARDS, seriously, i swear. There's only so much and so long you can spend holed up in the house (or anywhere) with your mind equally holed up, locked up and buried within books and notes and papers that train your brain to be not sad, nor proud, nor curious at all. (at the very least owen provides us with some useful phrases, but then there is only so much pararhyme you can take without frankly turning into a Mental Case). Yarrgh. Oh i still cannot take the shuddering irony in putting the video of "Do schooools kill creativity??" on the site of the no. 1 representative institution of Creativity Killing (i.e. Insensibility). Imagination? Creativity? Try using it in the exam hall. No one will be amused.

You see i've seriously turned into a mental case already la! @#$6

Dullards, dullards, dullards we are. (till monday...or so we think)

Let us sleep now...

-----what sleep, you still got a billion poems to study you ignorant coxcomb.. (oops i got the era wrong)

BYEBYE

P.S. ky we shall protest against the perpetration of sexism!
And P.S.S. (or isit P.P.S.) sh u should ignore this post cause half of it is stuffed with epithets of war (oops got the era wrong again) i mean Owen's vocabulary!

2008-09-18T19:39:00.002+08:00

This existence feels terribly meaningless sigh, forgive me, im in a bout of bluuees due to excessive monotony....whiiine

ohwell, at the very least we can know we aren't alone in our last minute-ness, judging from the multitude of last-minute makeup lessons crammed within a single day (tell me again why is it that such "breaks" always never seem to serve their purpose, like holidays), not that i feel any resentment against the teachers, just feeling sian-ed out--which is ultimately stemming from blues which is stemming from monotony bleh. which is probably better that i have to drag myself out of the house tomorrow since at least that will break the monotony, hur.

ok, what shall i study now?:/

FOR KAY WHY? and SSSHHHHHHush

2008-09-12T22:46:00.002+08:00

well well, since these two nasties decided to have their birthdays within 3 days of each other (coughcough!), here's a SONG DEDICATION hehhehheh, or rather, two song dedications (tis bery nice songs!!XD)

*So we breathe this smoke into our lungs and
Save it
Pray when winter comes the light we kept will
Survive it
And I know
You will shine bright
Even if
The light burns us
Blind*

And so, you make a wish
Thinking this is starting to sound the same
Each year
It seems
That the wishes diminish as the candles increase

And now we will just
Take in the day
And everything
else can be taken away

*

(Lean on me--Bill Withers)
Sometimes, in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrow
But, if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For, it won't be long
Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill
Those of your needs that you won't let show

You just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend,
I'll help you carry on
For, it won't be long
Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

You just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load
You have to bear, that you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load if you just call me
Call me if you need a friend
Call me ...

2008-09-07T23:52:00.002+08:00

Ugghh don't get it don't get it.

?!?!

See, this is what happens when you forget. Set off this whole volcano. (and all in the defence of someone you hardly know)

Sigh.

Leisure is the mother of philosophy.

2008-09-05T23:32:00.004+08:00

Descended into boredom once more:( And the way to relieve it? Eating.
XD

Maybe that's why I been gaining weight this year=O cause of boredom! Aha.

Okay fine, it's because of gluttony-__- grumph

And I've a gluttony for new songs too heh, which is why I'm spending precious time (precious cause it could have been used for essential, life-saving MUGGING! –gasps- or doing homework, or doing anything that's, duh, more useful than this) uh, downloading music-___- and writing this haa.

Oh about the previous post, I believe I reached a compromise. (otherwise called an economics decision, otherwise called an it-depends, otherwise called useless-un-choice) you see my head's crammed full of economics already, good justification for spending some time here no? :D

And, as you can see from the above, "leisure is the mother of philosophy". So says Thomas Hobbes. So thereXD

One more quote for the day:
"If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years."

2008-08-30T20:43:00.001+08:00

What happens when there is a conflict between the obligations of acquaintanceship and the voice of fairness?

I’ll take fairness.

There’s no point in contributing to the already rampant injustice of the world we’re in. People should receive exactly what they deserve. People should be recognised for exactly what and who they are. Sympathy and obligations have no place in fair judgement; neither has guilt. What seems like gratitude is not worth lying for, because—I hate to say this—the gratitude itself may not be deserved. What intentions were behind the acts of goodwill we don’t know; these things can never be known for certain, it seems (save for the closest friends). Some things call for objectivity. So for truth’s sake the feeling of obligation has to be forsaken, however heartless it may seem/feel.

Is it right? To sacrifice friendship for truth’s sake?

Yet I hesitate at the word “friendship” because well, friendship as I know it isn’t built on pacification, flattery, charm. (Sometimes I can hardly believe such a different breed of relationships can be happening before my very eyes.)

2008-08-30T00:04:00.003+08:00

The world seems particularly sad when you take note of the injustices. (i wish Reality wasn't such quite so sad) But what we can do is to try our very bestest to be on the side of principles, so that there will be people who can judge impartially.

(Somehow things always change so fast.)

2008-08-28T23:15:00.002+08:00

Does the passage of time make thoughts matter more? Does uncertainty make thoughts matter less.

.

What is a smile made of, the “eye contact” and the lean forward or the warmth that’s behind it, unseen?

Seems like appearances become more and more important as you grow older. Instant impressions matter more and more. (you may ask, though, what is really so wrong about that)

2008-08-22T22:44:00.002+08:00

What will we say
Ten years from now
As we meet for a round
Have some tea for a while

Smile we will say
That's the surest way
But it's not whether we smile
'Cause the question is how

It's okay, I know the time is short
But well someday we'll know the time is short

Hey there
I remember you
We used to read together run together
talk in the empty hours so
Wait there
I know we're busy today
But can we stop and say
How much you mean to me today

Time we will say
Goes faster than we know
Will we look back and wonder
If we had known all along

Friends we will say
Are like sailing boats
Keeping us all afloat
But only if we row

It's okay, I know the time is short
But well someday we'll know the time is short

Well hey there
I remember you
We used to walk together write together
talk in the empty hours so
Wait there
I know we're busy today
But can we stop and say
How much you mean to me

It's okay, I know the time is short
But well someday we'll know the time short

2008-08-15T00:11:00.003+08:00

Before I forget.

How artists feel when they see their work being appreciated and acclaimed.

How it's just so hard to judge people. The thing about being a "flirt" "pimp" or whatever name you wish.

I was just sitting there during econs tutorial and I thought, man I really love our class.

And about that thing that made me angry, well, just have some basic respect. And sensitivity. Or you don't even need to reach that level. Just basic social intelligence, you know.

(typed these 2 days ago.)

So about the first point, looking through the information booklet of the artists and viewing the presentation made me wonder how it must feel as an artist to have your works so appreciated and made so precious by such a wide audience. Wow. It must feel wonderful. And terrifying at the same time, maybe. When I imagine it it feels like being at the top of a precipice and looking down, with that whole feeling of thrill and appreciation and risk. It's just so enormously difficult to predict how people will react to a piece of work.

Ohyeah and about whether the works of artists reflect their real selves. I do wonder about that. It's difficult to say because different artists construct their art in different ways. I'd think yes, the artwork does reflect the artist's self when he/she puts her soul into creating it. But because not all artists create their art in such a manner, it's likely that we cannot determine how the artist is like by analysing his artwork.

Hmm that made me recall the question that arose during mep trip, the one of artists being such a tragic population. Is it that the personality traits which govern creativity are the same ones which lead artists to lead such precarious, danger-ridden, passion-driven (and, dare I say, pleasure-driven—in the case of celebrities) lives? Sounds like a likely scientific explanation (which is derived from what I’ve read before about creativity being a prominent trait in sufferers of certain mental disorders). Maybe that tendency of putting their whole heart and soul into life is what drives artists to lead such miserable lives. Or their lack of practicality maybe? Their life is their art and so they refuse to do anything else that contradicts their sense of what is meaningful, and so choose the life of poverty and art over that of financial survival (and work which they dislike). And the few happy artists around, well maybe those are the ones who retain at least some pragmatism in their art, who view their art more objectively and practically— like Stravinsky for example (him again) who was apparently such a good opportunist--, and can thus construct their art in such a way that will benefit them (like bring them good money for instance). Hmm that brings to mind the breed of the commercialised pop industry which churns out songs for the sake of $$$. Ah, but those who churn out art for the sake of money and money alone, can they even be called artists? (Not that I’m against the entire pop industry. Definitely not; but it must be said that this commercialised view of art’s most prevalent in this industry. )

And about judging people, well I think we’ve concluded so before; this is sort of a renewed realisation which will probably be renewed every once in a while. A mere, slight switch of perspective and you can get something totally different in your mind’s eye. An example that just rose to my head was the question on the bus which left me disoriented for a moment, grappling with my own view and the view presented by the question. Suddenly I realised that that is what others are likely to see. And I wouldn’t say that it is an altogether inaccurate view; it’s just that there will always be a judgement attached to any such view, a judgement that can differ quite significantly when made by different people or from different perspectives.

About our class, well nothing much needs to be said, just that every once in a while I feel thankful for being in such a class, especially when I remember that not all classes are like that (sometimes I’ll sink into such an assumption).
About the angry thing, hmm don’t feel like dwelling on it, well here’s another example of poor judgement on my part I suppose, though actually I probably didn’t make any, blind as I was. Don’t feel angry anymore either, just a bit irritated when I think about it.
I think the elitism is indeed there, inherent in a particular sentence said in a totally innocent context (I may be reading too much into it of course.) Haha I suddenly remembered that funny discussion about whether there is a superiority complex. Quite an interesting theory, that all superiority complexes in fact stem from an inferiority complex.

Oh. Wow. Haha. Apparently a superiority complex is
“a subconscious neurotic mechanism of compensation developed by the individual as a result of feelings of inferiority”,
according to Wikipedia. Okay I never knew superiority and inferiority complexes were such serious problemsxP Hahaa but anyway, this isn’t superiority complex, because I think it’s a genuine feeling of superiority. It may not be apparent all the time but it’s there all right, running beneath in the subconscious. Which isn’t good at all, because awareness is the first step to curing it.

And from a few days ago, pe teachers are always so ridiculously happyxD though it seems maths teachers aren’t miserable like we’d think hahaa.

2008-08-10T22:37:00.004+08:00

Seriously seriously seriously gar gar gargh. Talk about fleeting moments of peace. To think it's possible that anyone could overlook this. It's the acceptance that comes with a little compensation, like in the handmaid's tale. A little compensation is a dangerous thing.

The words that stick, "You are born lucky" "eliminate" "you're not in a position to help" and other utterances.

Unlike other things there's no safety of distance, no distance to take comfort in.

On another note. I haven't been getting anything done. Ulps. Knock knock, come on brain, wake up from dreamy mode! Grar.

And I need inspiration! My composition remains non-existent, absent. I feel an enormous reluctance to immerse myself in the world of atonality *shudders!* how on earth do they survive writing hearing eating living such sounds every day of their lives! It was bad enough writing Rock ahaha.

I need some life in my life! (Boredom of this kind is the worst kind of boredom possible, because the cure isn't excitement.—I've no idea what's the cure.)

Hmm, NDP fails to interest me now, it seems; seems like age has taken away that sense of wonder and excitement I thought was invincible after all. Sighness.

*retreats to books and music and further procrastination*

Again she tries

2008-08-10T16:14:00.002+08:00

Again she tries, after which she wonders
Why she ever tries again.

For Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and
Distance makes the heart easier.
So the heart sighs—for it is hard.
So her tears cry, to soothe the tired,
Difficult heart.

That is why she tries.

Because somewhere somehow deep inside
There lies a light that burns with deep blue
Fervour and a foolish fever, a foolish fever
Behind the cool, blue eyes and upturned nose,
Of indifference.

That is why she tries.

Memories too, of a greener past,
When the colours didn't change so fast,
Each morning meant a warm sunrise
And days and peace stayed without haste.

So the dreams remain of a gentler future
When the colours don't change so fast,
When the heart does not sigh, the tears do not cry,
When each morning means a warm sunrise
And days and peace stays, without haste.

And that is why she has to try.

A Blade of Grass (by Brian Patten)

2008-08-07T00:02:00.003+08:00

You ask for a poem.I offer you a blade of grass. You say it is not good enough.
You ask for a poem.
I say this blade of grass will do.
It has dressed itself in frost.
It is more immediate
Than any image of my making.

You say it is not a poem.
It is a blade of grass and grass
Is not quite good enough.
I offer you a blade of grass.

You are indignant.
You say it is too easy to offer grass.
It is absurd.
Anyone can offer a blade of grass.

You ask for a poem.
And so I write you a tragedy about
How a blade of grass
Becomes more and more difficult to offer.

And about how as you grow older
A blade of grass
Becomes more difficult to accept.

(found this poem again while looking through poems deep and dangerous. Again because I liked it then and I like it now once more)

2008-08-06T23:54:00.002+08:00

We had an interesting discussion during GP today, bout science and religion, which once more set me thinking about this whole dilemma which I have never been able to disentangle. It's quite interesting how the majority of RJ (or at least, our class, though I'd think this is true for the entire school) are believers of some faith or another, (with a majority of them being Christians/Catholics if my facts are right), since one might expect that those at the intellectual forefront (and I'm running great danger of being elitist here. Just for simplicity's sake though I must generalise) to be more in tune with science and thus, perhaps, more likely to be non-believers. Seems like the reverse is true. Either that, or how advanced you are in scientific knowledge, or any form of knowledge for that matter, seems to have no effect on the tendency to believe in a religion at all. Which is why I can't imagine religion to wane any time soon, if at all.

The article is quite convincing, actually. Never read such an argument on this subject before. I had all but one issue with it, which is that even if those who believe in both science and religion are "living a lie", this may not necessarily be a bad thing. In other words, it may be worth it to live a lie if the benefits outweigh everything else. And it's undeniable that believing in both, however contradictory it may be, has enormous benefits for the individual and humankind alike. So while science and religion may be mutually contradictory in their fundamental nature, man can choose to continue believing in both even if it entails living a lie, because of the different benefits that each bring. And I would think that the best thing for the human race is to continue believing in both.

As for my take on it personally, I kind of haven't moved anywhere. It seems I'm unable to either completely believe or disbelieve in the existence of a higher being and supernatural realm, or in reincarnation. That guy, whatever his name is, puts it nicely as taking a "leap of faith"—a leap which I'm evidently not ready to make. To me, though, choosing to believe that the supernatural is completely inexistent is also a leap of faith. And so I remain hovering in the middle. Well well.

2008-08-04T00:48:00.001+08:00

Something else, I must say, this blog doesn't show me though. It doesn't show who I am any more than say, talking to me would. Neither does it seek to. It shows a part of me, that's perhaps not entirely the same part that is apparent when anyone talks to me (I definitely don't sound like that, my that would be scary hahaa), but it's not any more the "true" or "real" me. Both, all, are me. So I think we should not read blogs with the mind of getting to know the "real" someone. Sure, blogs possibly present another side of people and in this way let you get to know the person better; we must remember though that blogs are, after all, of the same nature as the person's public self because blogs are, after all, public (unless it's a private blog, but then no one or few people would be reading it). And so it may suffer from the problem of discrepancy between appearance and reality.

Not saying that my blog's just a front, of course. It's not (if I am to be believed XD). Just felt a need to address this. If all fails can always move anyway (ahem like somebody hwhhwh). Whee.

2008-08-04T00:33:00.001+08:00

SIGH. What strange logics pervade some minds. Haiyo. It's seriously bizarre. More motivation for me to study psychology in future ha. Tried searching for books but seems most of them are more self-help than psychology.

Scholarship day yesterday, we're really such privileged people, (Meritocracy? I think not.) having such a confusing array of choices in front of us. Faced with such choice I made it a point to open my mind to anything (except things like *coughs* MINDEF, the air force, MAS, teaching oops XD). When it came down to really thinking about each as something long term, something life-long though, that's when the number dwindles. And the talk was kinda disappointing. Though I suppose I should resign myself to the fact that you can't have all at once. And so yeah, we just have to decide what matters more and what matters less. Do I know what comes first on my list? I think I do, somewhat. Unless somewhere along the way the list changes, which I hope will not happen.

The problem with communities is that after a while habits become rules and rules become rigid laws set in stone. Or people may be there who do not really belong. Or people may realise there are people there who they'd rather not belong. Or people may start to forget what brought them together in the first place. Or. Lots more which I can't think of at the moment.

2008-08-02T00:17:00.000+08:00

hm here goes,
hello world!
XD (if the world's listening that is!)

2008-08-02T00:04:00.002+08:00

Haiz, how short-lived is peace. Patience, patience. That's a word I must remember in this.

Ohyeah "one flesh" is a nice poem. The uncertainty for one is certainly something I would relate to.

Mrs Chan's last day today. She's such a wonderful teacher. Not just that but a great person too. I'd like to write more but much of my thoughts went into the email and also, I should go sleeeep hahax)

Hmm mum as telling me about those sudden fears, and for a moment I imagined how it must feel like, these irrational, intense fears. If you really imagine you can actually imagine the fear rising up in you. It must feel quite terrible. Don't know what to do though. As usual, the feeling of inadequacy—it's probably all the more so the closer you are.

"Strangely apart, yet strangely close together,

Silence between them like a thread to hold

And not wind in"

2008-07-30T23:44:00.002+08:00

We should all hope, whether or not there is a reason to. Because the point of hoping lies not in the possibility of it being fulfilled but in the different way we'd do things when we still believe in a certain hope. It lies not in what happens in the future but in what happens in us right now. Its purpose is fulfilled not by itself being fulfilled but by its sole existence and the difference which its sole existence makes.

Something about music (or art in general, I'll just talk about music though since it's closer to home), I don't believe in believing in any particular aesthetic; don't believe in composing or creating with a certain set of rules in mind. "Music is in itself powerless to express" says Stravinsky, and so he seeks for an objective, impersonal style of composition. "Music is a gradual process", thinks Steve Reich, and so he strives towards perceptibility in his works. These are both interesting yet restrictive ideas to me, ideas which make for interesting food for thought but which I certainly will not adopt as my sole guide in compositional style. There's no point I think in turning up your nose at some other form of art that you dismiss as not truly art just because it does not suit your conceived idea of what art (art as a general reference) is. There's no point either in deliberately distancing ourselves from, say, pop music because it is supposedly beneath our superior classical minds. All is art, all are different forms of art; or if they aren't, who are we to say what is art and what isn't, and who are we to say that our kind of art is better?

And that applies, actually, to anything. Superiority, elitism, all these are silly things that are of no use at all and that should be abandoned once we realise ourselves to be victims of these unnecessary evils.

I guess it's not that simple, though. (The world never is quite so simple, as *coughs* economics is so eager to inform us.) When it comes to morals and all that, I'm lost. Should we judge? Can we judge? Is it justified to view someone with contempt because he or she is, in our eyes, lesser in terms of morals and moral standards? Who are we to say that our way of living life morally is the best or better, or even that living life morally is the best way? (as much as even right now my mind is saying, of course living life morally is the best way)

Or we can try not to judge at all. Yet it is not quite possible to do so. One would be hanging on a thread, unsure of where to go and what one wants to be, being unable to come to a conclusion on what is better and should thus be pursued.

Okay enough of this circular thinking that leads us nowhere. Ha. Uh. I should go sleep. Sleep deprivation!! The interview really did help. I'm at least attempting to sleep earlier. Aha, idea for a new solution!--Get students to conduct interviews with sleep doctors for their PW! =D=D er.haha. Feasibility=0. XD

Okok byebyee ohyeah found a nice picture which I nicely integrated into the blogger template and made it look like a blogskin (at least to me it does)! Aren't I smart! Heehe the picture's nice isn't itXD

2008-07-27T22:51:00.001+08:00

There are times when I feel inclined to lose faith in humanity, when I wonder if I'm as naïve as mum says I am in my view of people, when I think, perhaps humans are not all innately good, that those who are outwardly monstrous (as a reference to Othello, since this reminds me of it) aren't in fact soft with goodness within but are simply, well, monstrous, inside out. The one thing that keeps me believing—or, wanting to believe—in human goodness, is the knowledge that it is dangerous to lose that belief. Because losing that belief will almost certainly change how one behaves. Losing that belief would make one become one of those whom one is trying to defend oneself against. It's amazing how we haven't already lost faith a long time ago, what with all the depressing books and poetry and ideas we have been exposed to. Folly of mankind, sins of humanity, darkness of the human soul (if there is a soul), the innate evil of man, selfishness, an idea which surfaced once more recently during one of our GP discussions (GP so far has certainly exceeded my expectations.) But it would be too tragic, to simply give up on humanity altogether, for how then can one live as before, with the belief that all man is evil? In fear, in loneliness, in anger, and all the while living out the very evil that one is so afraid of.

Like a tree, at the side of the road, whose significance lies in the burdens whispered into the hollow of its trunk and its ever presence.

I can't imagine how they will be like next time. Pretty unnerving, thinking about it. Hm.

Mum was going on about scholarships and stuff again, and all talk about "whether you are willing to sacrifice for us or not" got under my skin because well, must it be that choosing based on personal choice like interest is akin to being self-centred while working for money is equated with being filial? I hope I don't give in to the pressure to choose a job for its money or prestige. There's always that temptation hovering there, and I'm afraid I may eventually give in. Well I hope not. I can't say for sure because maybe someday circumstances will push me into doing so. But yeah I hope not.

Something I realised, looking around at the people close by. It's all too true that marriage is disintegrating in our culture. Just looking at my relatives and I'm faced with an unpromising picture. One, ended in divorce due to an extramarital affair; another, plagued with unhappiness and infidelity and help up only by the desire to maintain peace and stability for the child; yet another ends in divorce after a mere 3 years because the husband was unfaithful (seems like all 3 marriages are ravaged by unfaithfulness on the husband's part.). And one union didn't even materialise because the girl apparently ran away. What a bleak picture, don't you think. Closer to home, things aren't exactly very sweet at home either, though right now at this very moment things are going great (peaceful is great). And let us recall: the argument for marriage depends heavily upon the assumption that most marriages are happy (or at least pleasant) ones, which cannot be said for the majority of marriages these days. All these are enough to make anyone cast a less optimistic eye upon marriage.

It's okay, I know the time is short

But well someday, we'll know the time is short

2008-07-26T00:32:00.002+08:00

Ugh people can be very frustrating sometimes. Frustratingly difficult to understand. As hard as i have tried i haven't been able to form any sort of understanding at all.
And for some i simply don't even care to. They so completely baffle me that well, I don't bother trying.
Hmm sometimes i feel like a tree. Which can be both good and bad, as are almost all other things.
Composition lesson was pretty cool, we should have more of this. Although hearing their works I felt a kind of atonal fatigue, where the atonality sounded somewhat mundane and tiring to my desensitised ears. But it's nevertheless reassuring to know of people who decide to make composing their career, their life--not that i'm going to do so, but it's just reassuring in general to see that some people do make choices that are not based primarily on pragmatism.

But I'd be silly to start preaching
'cause I don't know which point to make

A general statement on many things i say.

ohyeah the previous post was lyrics from the song by regina spektor. such a cute song. xD

On The Radio

2008-07-20T16:07:00.003+08:00

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

And on the radio
You hear November Rain
That solo's awful long
But it's a good refrain
You listen to it twice
Cause the DJ is asleep
On the radio

2008-07-20T00:23:00.004+08:00

There's a correlation! between restlessness and posting frequency. Like right now, you can infer the level of restlessness. Hmm this is not good. heheh.

Good night-_-

2008-07-19T23:50:00.005+08:00

Watching rgssb play brought back a flood of memories..feels really strange sitting in the audience looking at this bit of the past that is so disjunct from the present. Half a year can be a pretty long time after all; or perhaps we humans simply adapt really quickly. Then again, I had better be completely settled into life here since a quarter of it has passed already. It’s pretty sad, that jc life’s so short—so short it can hardly be called a “life”. It’s like a mere stepping stone, a brief stop at a train station after which we hurriedly move on again. Two years is but a puny portion of our entire lives. I wonder if we would even remember these two years at all, if they will be of any significance at all.

Wonder what music is for, if it's for expression or not, if it's simply for its own sake, and if so, what's the point? it's confusing also to spend your life doing art because ironically, the purpose of science is easier to name. Ironic because artists are the ones who are so bothered about purpose (at the risk of over generalising, of couse.) "music, by its very nature, is essentially powerless to express anything at all." Thanks a lot, Stravinsky. You have just overturned the central purpose of my musical life, the basis of my musical thought.

hmm.

2008-07-16T22:45:00.002+08:00

So tired sometimes, physically and mentally. Feels like there won't be any time to catch a breath before the slog for, what else, the promos. And yeah everyone always says it's just fine doing your best. It's a simple philosophy, too simple to actually work. Because ultimately how else to judge but through the easiest way which is by looking at the grades themselves? And of course, conclusions are always formed from what is known. I can't begin to describe how limited that is.

Maybe we've grown complacent; maybe we're taking some things for granted, which is why once in a while we get shocked when things don't go the way we expect them to. I appreciate the liberal views we're exposed to--perhaps a little too much, such that I have developed the mistaken notion that the entire world thinks in a similar manner. Well, now at least I know it doesn’t. But I’m at a loss as to how to articulate the explanation for thinking the way I do. The words will just get lost in the yawning chasm that separates us. Falling upon different ears the most perfectly unquestionable ideas seem absurd, ridiculous, naïve. Is pragmatism that inevitable? Is idealism that unaffordable? Or maybe I’m being selfish, by thinking of the future in terms of what I want. That sounds pretty selfish, doesn’t it. But the alternative seems hardly any better. Yet “lack of meaning” and “unhappiness” would likely fail to be in the least convincing as justifications for exchanging “better prospects” for a lifetime of financial struggles.

I’m beginning to think that perhaps the elitism is indeed very much present after all. Some things you just wouldn’t imagine until you see or hear it yourself. Unfortunately I know I’m guilty of it also, perhaps less so but guilty nonetheless. This problem was never there before. It’s amazing how much difference a simple distinction in a certain aspect of identity can make. Identity is a slippery issue indeed. I feel it in myself sometimes, that need to feel differentiated from the less “enlightened”. Another thing: I think sooner or later—perhaps already—I’m gonna develop a gender prejudice. Certainly the male gender hasn’t been too impressive, but on the contrary, quite disappointing. The immaturity simply stumps me sometimes; so does the fickleness. (I think TV and movies have presented a rather inaccurately glossed up view of this. One and only? Ridiculous, impossible even. At least for the typical guy.) Tsk tsk. The future looks not too bright.

2008-06-08T23:55:00.003+08:00

Alright, here I am! To blog about the trip. Or more accurately, to type the stuff alrdy written in my diary when im supposed to be sleeping. eeps. alright i'll make it fast. as fast as my fingers would allow. they can be really fast yknow. okok i'll startxP

"And so, i'm back!

From 7 days of many experiences.

And now i don't know where to start:)

The food, perhaps. So much cheese, and bread, and egg, and ohyes, how could i forget, chocolate:D ; it was wonderful, mostly, though at times a little too rich, and not to mention a little too expensive. Just a little. The scary pricing at both places really got my heart aching after every meal we paid for haha. Which was why towards the end of the trip i was scrimping miserably on food, and on everything else too actually. Of course, all that eating has made me pile on the kilos, and so now im back to a heavy 55kg=/ haha.

One thing im glad for is that i've made friends on this trip. Loneliness was something i was a little worried about before the trip, although i think maybe there was no need to have worried about it at all, seeing how comfortable i've become with being alone. Of course "comfortable" does not equate to "not lonely" and i don't exactly like too much loneliness hah.

Ok mabe i should record down the events first in case i forget them in the future.

The first night: Went to the airport, with some excitement, though i must say my emotions nowadays seem quite watered down (because of age? but im still young-__-)--and a little apprehension. Thought i was gna have a bad goodbye cause of mum's not-too-pleasant mood but eventually when we went through the doors we were waving goodbye. And KY called too and we had a pretty long chat haha. And then we were killing time walking around the shops at the airport--we saw this really adorable miniature piano whose price is bigger than its size. Finally we boarded the plane, on which i had the window seat:D which meant i could see Singapore in all its night beauty. The lights are really pretty, i must say. Then began an alternation btwn movies, sleep and eating--and man, was the food wonderful! not to mention in huge servingsXD watched 27 dresses which was quite okay (it was almost going into the cliched side but luckily some parts rescued it) and the Other Boleyn Girl which i really enjoyed, and Closing the Ring which was largely too tedious and quite disappointing.

When the plane landed 13 hours later it was but 6+ am in the morning in Manchester. Hmm, let's just say seeing both the Manchester airport and the paris one reinforced my understanding of why changi airport is the best in the world. It's the one building in spore im really proud of, at least.

1st day: in birmingham

So we took the coach to the university of birmingham. on the way we discovered the wonderfully cool air, the even cooler "smoke" that comes out of our mouth when we exhale, and of course, the cows, horses and sheep we saw grazing in the pastures while we were on the bus. The university building's pretty cool(it has nice grass! ahaha) what with those art pieces in the foyer and the steinway and harpsichord in the auditorium. We went for tea and visited the music library which isn't extremely impressive but still made me go "wow" with its collection of really old, very scholarly books(which smelled very nicely musty). Then we had the Debussy lecture and scared the lecturer with the "knowledge" we had been prepped with by mr gooi beforehand. i felt pretty bad actually, that we didn't react with the wonder and amazement we pro

com crashed eeps ok shall go sleep continue next time bye! xP

2008-04-22T19:47:00.002+08:00

Well, let's talk about paternalism.

Actually I don't particularly feel like talking about it anymore. I probably can't really discuss it in a very rational way right now anyway. For some reason this kind of interference irks me horribly. The things that gets me most is probably the feeling of righteousness that interferer in question evidently feels about the whole thing. There was almost that feeling of pride that i find almost perverse. It never fails to shock me, this complete gap in thought, this sheer difference in opinion. (And even right now the voice brims with self-righteousness)

Sometimes I wonder why I even tried in the first place-____- I always forget, somehow. Somehow there’s just this part of me that just doesn’t give up, doesn’t want to let go of possibility, however small it may be. I can live with the way things are right now, I really can—but only up to the point where the anxiety goes out of hand and decides to take my life into its hands. And no matter how hard I try I can’t stay cool every single moment. As much as I know that’s the way that will be best for this whole situation, I’m also a very imperfect human. I am inadequate, for sure; I certainly have no angelic disposition which this situation requires.

Like right now, I’m spoiling my ears with loud music just so the sounds don’t enter my ears and make my mouth itch to open in protest again.

Quite appropriate song. “Hold on it gets better than you know.” I know that, kind of; and so I’m just trying to patiently wait for it to get better. (Of course, I’m feeling pretty impatient here. Also, it tires me out, knowing it’s a cycle that will go on and on and on.)

Why, in the first place, did you bother to even start talking if all the while you found yourself to be right anyway…?

It’s almost as though these bouts of volcanic activity is viewed as a right or privilege, something made exclusive by the illness. Of course I agree that much of this is a result of the illness. But does that mean we won’t be affected at all, just because we don’t suffer from the illness? We’re always the cause, the ones to blame, and never the sufferers. And I don’t find that to be fair.

But enough of this gloomy talk. Ee my arms are aching horribly from training ahaha. I don’t really have much hope of passing actually, but can’t really be bothered so whateverxP Somehow I just have zero discipline in the aspect of exercise. Oh well.

Sometimes I really feel like the irrational side of humans should be banished forever, it defies reason so much. I’d think we’d survive much better with only the rational, controlled side of us, thank you very much. Only problem is it’s the irrational side that gives human nature its beauty. I guess you can’t have one without the other; to have the beauty you’re giving it imperfections. Sigh. Guess life would be boring if humans were purely rational, so I shouldn’t be thinking in this way. Haha.

I really marvel at our class sometimes; I’m really glad I’m in this class. The dynamics are just wonderful, in an understated way that makes it all the more wonderful. Glad I’m in here and nowhere else. Glad too that I chose the humanz programme; I’m pretty certain I’m a whole lot happier than I would have been in the science stream. Guess things have turned out better than I envisioned a year ago.

2008-04-20T16:00:00.003+08:00

The week's been quite tiring, two concerts within 2 days of each other whoosh. But glad we had the concerts, both were quite fun, I especially had lots of fun on stage during rock performance hahaa even though most of the screaming and attention weren't exactly directed at me but whatever, I just decided to be thick-skinned hehe. Interestingly I feel more comfortable going looney on stage than when I'm in the audience, hmm this should make interesting material for psychological study. I'm practically like a stone while the others are busy waving their arms around and all that in the moshing area. I guess it's something like a feeling of purpose for the craziness on stage. Like, since the attention's already on you, there's nothing to worry about grabbing attention. It's when the attention's not on you that I'll want to avoid attracting any more than I should. Not exactly something very important though, just something I was giving some thought to while I was stoning in the audience hahaa. Sidenote: next time I should ask more people to come for concerts, I realised I always have very few people supporting me in concerts (which is my fault) which results in intermissions spent being bored and watching other people receive flowers and this has been a trend since the beginning of time like cadenza two years ago haha. Seems I haven't learned. Must remember to be more thick skinned next time not only on stage but when selling ticketsxP

The lift thing was interesting, sometimes I secretly wish it had lasted longer so I could learn even more from it hehe but that's a sadistic wish which should not be allowed to see the light of dayxP But yeah, quite amazing how long a mere 10 minutes can feel when you're inside there, and even more amazing's how much you can learn about people within that short 10 minutes. It's quite hard to put into words what exactly I learned about everyone, but the situation really let me see everyone even more fully. If it had happened earlier, say at the beginning of the year, it would have let me realise things about people I would have otherwise taken months to discover. You know when you describe the experience—"we got trapped in the lift for 10 minutes"—it sounds so trivial but the experience itself is of significant weight. Much more useful than sitting around in the canteen doing nothing for a few hours or days or even weeks at least, hehe. I think most of what I learned was quite consistent with the impressions I have already formed about each person though, with rare exceptions. At some points it was disappointing how we behaved, particularly in the first few moments of panic and noise, but some instances were reassuring too, when we regained our composure somewhat.

Hmm but I must say, fear really does bring out the not-so-pretty in humans. It's not a very nice emotion, but it's a very powerful emotion that lets you learn quite a lot about people. And even though rationally there was not that much reason to be as scared as we were, when you feel completely out of control it can be a horrible feeling, though that's where trust comes in, trust that the people outside will do something to help you, trust that you will get out eventually whenever that may be. And I'd say that was what prevented me from panicking too much (though the first few moments of realisation that something was wrong sent my heart dropping); in other words I was trusting that we'd get out eventually cause the people outside—our class, the lift maintenance people or whoever—would do everything to help us. It helps a lot to feel that way; sort of like letting others take care of you.

I disagree somewhat, that "it's not funny", not saying that it wasn't a serious situation, but I disagree in the sense that we should actually find some humour in it cause humour helps in such situations actually. It doesn't hurt anyway; and even if we weren't ever going to get out of there, at least we can try to live our last moments to their fullest huh? (as morbid as this may sound haha) In fact I think if I had thought we weren't ever going to get out I'd be trying to make the mood even lighter, because well it's always nicer to leave this world happy ahaha ok this is sounding really morbid. But all in all yeah, it was an experience that was short but intense enough to leave a lasting impression and to let us all learn something from it. Pretty interesting actually how everyone was feeling tired after that and how everyone who was in the lift couldn't really concentrate on econs cause we were still thinking bout the incident. Haha. Because it was such a short time though, the effects aren't very pronounced but they're there. If it had lasted longer I think it would have bonded us in some unexplainable ways. (We should go jam bigger lifts as a class, it will make for excellent class bonding, even more effective than class camp HAHA) Okay okay better stop spouting such rubbish, if any of those in the lift hears of these I'll probably get bashed up (or worse) hahahaXD

Hmm anyway went for ky's gym concert, ohyeah haven't scolded her for not telling me she has another item before that haha. Walking around in RG feels so familiar that you forget you haven't been there for months. I think things are always sweeter and nicer and much more pleasant somewhat when they belong to the past; if it hadn't been at night and dark I would have maybe gone up to see our classrooms and walked around in the band corridor and maybe eaten some canteen food just for memories' sake. We humans can be pretty strange sometimes.

Aha, and it's times like these when I like being antisocial, since being otherwise would mean socialising with strange people who I can't really understand hahaa, I practically had a half-shocked, half-mystified and half-amused (wait that doesn't mathematically add up HAHA) expression permanently outlined on my face and I couldn't even be bothered to disguise it (if they saw it they wouldn't know what the heck I was so mystified about anyway, and besides they were kind of too occupied with ahem photo-taking to bother), though the rproject people might find the expression kind of familiar, or wait the rproject one was more of stoned shock thoughxP It makes me wonder, are they really that different from us, or not really? Well well, guess we're always too immersed in our own world to remember that other worlds exist that are extremely different, and it's things like this that give us a jolt and serves as a reminder that hey, other types of people do exist (and we aren't even talking about other schools yet). But it's actually quite amusing=P ahahaa and I find guys who are more feminine than girls especially amusingxP (I don't mean this in a mean way, he's probably quite a nice person, it's just quite funny hehee)

I think im starting to...i dunno. Don't know. Too strange. Shall just let it be. Nothing's the best thing to do sometimes, as sad as it may sound.

Wow, next time I shall use Microsoft word to blog, my blog post's more than 1000 words long haha, what the heck, I could have used this number of words to complete my lit essay man, unfortunately no, I was spending the time typing this blog post that doesn't need to be written humph, but, who caresxP not me, anyway. Or not now, not until I find myself trying to chiong the essay out haha, for now I shall just go do my PI (into which im typing this blog post under the disguise of doing homework hehheh XD) yeah.=P

2008-04-03T21:29:00.002+08:00

Well well, if it isn't me again, back here after like a million years! been 4 months since I last posted here, that's almost half a year...and it feels like an entire era ago.

And when we think back it always seems to lead back to the question of what really matters after all. because what seemed to matter don't feel like they really mattered once it's past. We might have been horrible rebellious troublemaking teenagers but grow up into mature adults anyway, and what really is different between such adults and those who grew up as nice good kids? And when I have that line of thought it will get pretty confusing because everything that's happening seems to insignificant, so trivial. But of course this kind of reasoning doesn't help a bit, because what good does it do to see everything in the present as inconsequential?

Is it in our personalities or something, that we will always feel there's something missing wherever we go? It was not too long ago that we were completely disillusioned about the state of things in rg and now here we are pining for some lost thing from our days there. I can't point a finger to what exactly that lost thing is. I think it's because we were so dissatisfied, so indignant, so tired of the bad things (having been in there for 3 years, we were all too familiar with the flaws of the school system) that we took comfort in taking things apart to understand them and thinking about how things could be instead. Even though we really didn't do anything to change anything at least we thought about it, and strangely, now we don't even think at all.

And we really talk so little, somehow in the past there was so much more to talk about? Or maybe it was just that we talked more. Now most of the time we don't even feel like talking. But I'm not even unhappy here. Which confuses me because it makes me wonder, what really do I want anyway? I'm always wanting more it seems. I never seem to be truly content. This makes me think of our happiness project. Come to think of it it would be pretty ironic if we were to be promoting the idea of happiness to the world, what with all my wanting more and my discontentment, I certainly make a wonderful ambassador of happiness.

There are times when I have the impulse to just talk or ask about things that we rarely ever talk about to whoever it is I'm talking to. But almost all the time I wouldn't, there's just that barrier, that line beyond which lies the stuff which people avoid most of the time. I just don't feel like such stuff would be welcome in the conversation. Which may or may not be true. Maybe I should just try anyway next time.

Can't imagine cramming ourselves for a national exam just a year ahead. For now I prefer not to think about it at all. Perhaps that's why we're all just living the days away right now. We know they're not going to last for long.

And sometimes I think, why think so much, just live life and be happy. But it seems i don't really dare to, it's like im afraid of losing something if i just let go and let myself be completely content. (Seriously, i make a rotten happiness ambassador man. xP)

But just imagine, the things we could be doing if we weren't here attending lectures and killing time in the canteen and laughing away during project work. We could organize a dozen happiness projects and have time left over (alright, exaggeration XD). sigh, there are always times when i have this guilty feeling, like im wasting my life away. And then the trivial occupies my mind again and i just leave thoughts about the world at the back of my mind and get on with life. Now man, sometimes i really am pretty useless.

I feel sleepy=/ and i haven't done project work. eeps. haven't even thought of what topic to do on. eeps eeps.

2007-11-29T15:49:00.000+08:00

Yaieee!

MUST go get it tmr. or i will really be the most wonderful proscratinator on earth. which is a really prestigious title, but erm well, i don't think im worthy enough (i hope).

okayy practiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiseeeeeeee.

oops my table is adorn with abandoned books heh -sheepish- talk about the infiltration of the quickie culture, i can't even let myself immerse in proper (long) books now bah. i seem to find it easier indulging in short, quick little bites like newspaper/magazines. nooooo i must rediscover my love for reading. reading real books, that is (not saying magazines are fakes but gar yes anyway). Ohmy i just thought of that song that everyone was crazy about a while ago, feels like years since we last heard it..."Where is the love, where is the love......."

-___________- okay im looney indeed. and i wasn't even practising, it must be the boredom destroying my brain cells (or temporarily freezing them).

oops i feel like eating chocolate. :x *internal struggle ensues*

alright i shall go eat some :D

THEN i will go PRACTISEE.

2007-11-29T15:39:00.000+08:00

im bored!

(so what else is new)

i've decided that time is the cruelest thing on earth. or is it inspiration? i don't know. whichever. thing is, inspiration seems to come only when time isn't around. (guess they're enemies or something). grumph. or maybe it's just becuase im the wonderfullest procrastinator on earth. which i am, not trying to be egoistic or anything yknow. it's true.

=/

i neeeeeeda go praaaaaaaactiiiiiiiiiseeeeeee.

*moans!*

2007-11-26T17:12:00.000+08:00

Don't ask me what im doing here! it's always the same thing driving me here and that's boredom:P and of course, a need to talk to myself as im demonstrating right now.
-____-

well. i guess the days now are pretty much aimless. yes there may be little purposes like practise piano for work, or go library next thursday, or watch dvds (hehehh) but the big picture's missing. it's just about living out the hols now. maybe that's not a bad thing though, i guess it's the little goals that make life fulfilling? my philosophising is sounding unsuccessful. but im definitely not complaining about the hols being quite a blank slate (with the exception of weekends), not complaining at all. After all, excess is never good. (hmm we should tell this to the entire world huh? excess is practically our culture.)

i truly wonder what true happiness is when i think of the nursing home. i wonder if they are happy. they really do seem so. "they" refers only to those who are seemingly in more severe conditions, ironically. they may be living in worlds of their own, but it seems they feel happy so easily. or maybe i should not use the word "happy". "content" would probably be a better word. it must be nice to live life without longing.=/

blehs but i feel inadequate when i go there, i think the most useful sentence i know how to speak is "o m sek teng gong fu wa". which means? I can't understand cantonese.-__________- hahaha dots. what great reason to feel a wonderful sense of achievement huh.

and yes. work haha! it's quite scary realising that those grade 6 ppl im playing for now may have been in the primary class last time :P and i may have played for them :P some of them are taller than me!! sheesh haha. but watching them makes me wonder what it would have been like if i hadn't quit. seeing them do stretching, however, effectively quashes any such notion. my bones are just not made for ballet man XDD

ahyes. ballet performance!! sigh ky!! u should just fly back to singapore!!!

GROAN i HATE it when this happens (i.e. the volcano shows signs of erupting )

alright that was irrelevant.was reading through my old posts and i saw a post (or was it 2 posts) with references to the yellow song. hwhhwh, how cool that i actually went and composed a yellow song!! XD

2007-08-11T15:32:00.001+08:00

ok firstly, im seriously and dangerously bored, and secondly, im seriously and dangerously suffering from guilt. hahaha it seems that everytime i come here im suffering from guilt of some sort or other -______- and are teenage years a magnet for boredom or something? It seems we are all victims of boredom you know, maybe we're just too discontented. Which is true for me i would think.

hmm i must stop stuffing myself with raisins hwhhwh xD

how scary it is to see the same dreaded topic on everyone's blogs, to see how such a mere thing can permeate so formidably into the depths of our brains and conversations and our lives, simply. It strikes me as a worm, you know, digging its horrible way into us. and creating a well in there, too, to be filled with worry and guilt and boredom. And of course i have to let it eat into my blog too, how terribly smart of me. well at least i didn't mention its rotten name.

then again this is tremendous irony because by avoiding the mere mention of its name it's an acknowledgement of its power, which i refuse to believe exists. fine, im talking about EYAs @#$%^@. whatever, it's just a stupid exam anyway. sheesh.

yeahh, and u can see what rgs girls go through everyday just by looking at the succession of "im so unproductive" being posted on the same day by 3 different people. We're expected to be productive and efficient, expected to have initiative and....alright im lazy to write them all down, can't be bothered to think what else there are anyway. Just saying that it jumped out at me, seeing everyone moan about their own "unproductivity". the world's obsessed with fastness, speed, and it's not a good thing man.

if only humans were smarter. maybe the world would be a better place.

then again if humans were smarter, they'd exterminate themselves immediately for the better good.

then again im a human myself so i better not talk so much XD

2007-07-28T17:52:00.000+08:00

this is a mixture between tired, relieved, disoriented, and a little guilty (due to the homework, as usual, same old). so it's farewell. finally, i think, but i also think, too soon. (anti climax: i still have to do the schedule) 1 year is just too short for any real development. Just as you are beginng to settle into this new role, poof out you leave and in come the next generation, fresh and inexperienced like you were seemingly just a blink of an eye ago.

it's horrible, though i guess im not that sad about it (maybe because it didn't feel like a farewell at all anyway), that i had to go through a last concert blowing nothing but air because off some horrible whatever-it-is that has to steal all my (little) trumpet skills the week im leaving, thanks a lot mouth -________- and i wish there was more time to practise the entertainer, i was so unsure and unfamiliar (not to mention i was conducting with one sheet of paper called the trumpet score, talk bout rotten memory man! haha i can't believe i forgot to bring the score).

ohwells, and now im alumni! congratulate me man. i must say, i've definitely changed somewhat, maybe not completely as a person but a little. But i've definitely changed lots in terms of what im like when in band. i worry more, for one :P ha. not that that's a great thing. but neither is it necessarily a horrible thing. but if i had had a choice at that time, i wouldn't have chosen to take up the responsibility. or maybe i would. the thing is, the name "conductor" is simply deceiving, it was sometimes more like secretary lah, or shall i say, odd-job person-___- i think i'd have enjoyed it alot more if my job encompassed only conducting as suggested by the title, thank you very much. i think my dislike towards the teachers (ok more like teacher) is or has been growing, for dumping us with the stupidest tasks (and blames). well, nevertheless, it was an experience, and one i appreciate.

i didn't say anything useful to the section at all, it was really an experience of words failing me, you just don't have anything to say at this kind of times, and if you do, it'll come out all wrong anyway. i did feel really undeserving to be sl, just listen to my nonexistent playing, even if it's because of something i can't control i still felt really bad anyway. like the sl plays nothing?! what kind of sl is that -___-

something sad: that we may never really meet again. i mean "meet" in the sense of really getting together, not the pass-by-on-the-corridor kind. this hasn't particularly sunk in yet. hopefully things wouldn't change that much. as much as i like change, i'd prefer some things not to. and this applies here too. part of it i welcome and part of it i don't.

oh and i must add, it's really heartwarming to have friend(s) whom you know will be there when u need em! :) ha, this is long overdue. ok a few days overdue. and of course i must express my heartfelt thanks to someone's mum, even though this is seriously risky in terms of ballooning that someone's already fat ego :D mwahaha. "fat" is a pun btw. double meaning.

2007-07-21T15:36:00.000+08:00

But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the
experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully.
That's how you are able to leave it.

ahhhh! what a beautiful book. I need to write this down, before it fades into the background in this life crammed full of things. Like the worry about lit test that is distracting me in my head even as i write this. Rush, rush, rush, our "culture" is just so rushed indeed. But i will not feel guilty, i won't, not when the only reason for any guilt i may feel is well, culture. It's hard, though, not to feel guilty. Societal pressure is sometimes called "tyranny" for a reason.

And what really spoke to me was detachment. I've heard of it before, my dad told me about it, the Buddhist saying of not "cling(ing) to things because everything is impermanent." But I never really understood it, and i dismissed it as an impossibility because i cannot imagine being completely detached from the world and the people in my life. But now i think i understand it better. You experience, and then you detach. Of course, it's not as simple as it sounds. But of course once again, it may be simpler than we imagine. I think we just have to let ourselves. Let ourselves let go, that is. This is the difficult part.

You know, there is a certain thing we should really learn from Western culture, and that is expression. Expression, particularly that of love. Asian families are so uncomfortable just saying the word "love". Which, i feel, is not a good thing at all. Humans need assurance after all. And humans definitely need to love and be loved, as cliched as it may sound. "Love each other or die". It looks so exaggerated at first glance but think through it and it feels true. Love is one of those things we will never understand, not fully, but it sure matters a lot, however much we may pretend otherwise. And people do pretend, but pretending doesn't make reality any less real, just as ignoring doesn't make something less existent.

And before i get accused of not practising what i preach, i shall say here that i love y'all!! :) Even though we may feel that there is no need for such mere words since action speaks louder than words after all, i shall still say it anyway, just to let u all know that the friendships do matter to me. Whoosh, that was pretty difficult actually, and actually i shouldn't be saying this sort of things should be said not in cyberspace but in the real world, but this is a start i suppose :P

ok i really don't practise what i preach, not in the family. It's too difficult, the barriers are there. And im quite a coward in this aspect. It's about letting yourself again, isn't it? It's easy but you just don't allow yourself to do it. It's not as though anyone is going to get hurt, too. Oh no. But there is fear, the fear of getting hurt. I don't feel it, i don't sense it in myself, but i guess it's the reason?

hmmm im hopeless. can't even do homework without getting distracted (and my period of distraction goes on for really long too.). sigh. but im not exactly very pained by that.

ah yes, and to ky, this book's wonderful man! :D

2007-07-17T22:45:00.000+08:00

We lived, as usual, by ignoring.

You know the feeling after you hear something being named and you just feel so relieved? I think that's the product of having practised ignoring for so long. Practised ignorance is when you feel that something is just not right and you know something is not right but you decide, consciously at first perhaps but subconsciously after a while, that nothing's not right.

2007-07-15T18:09:00.001+08:00

I came along, I wrote a song for you

And we're all so laden with troubles, both real and imaginary. And I believe mine are imaginary.

"Just you, without a name. Attaching a name attaches you to the world of fact, which is riskier, more hazardous…I'll pretend you can hear me.

But it's no good, because I know you can't."

I know that too.

Some things are just impossible, not because they are truly beyond our means, but because we won't allow ourselves to make it possible.

It's not real, I know it's not, it's just imagination on the overwork, which is dangerous. Imagination, as I think I've said before, is dangerous.

And so is being the one firing the imagination.

It wasn't called yellow though.

It's not real, I know it's not right to think of it as real, but I can't help it, it's like an insatiable hunger. And I know all this is an exaggeration. "A reconstruction" ha. So this isn't real either.

Then again, what is?

2007-07-15T00:29:00.001+08:00

And because I don't know the right way to do it, I don't do it, just like the other time. I feel cowardly. It'll never get done, of course.

Then again, so do lots of other things.